One Word Pundit

Manifest Miracles in Your Life and Create Yourself

2012-01-22T09:15:00.001-05:00

Recently, an especially challenging moment had me lamenting in my mind, resentment over a lack I was experiencing. I immediately changed the negative self-talk tape playing over and over in my head to a favorite Shakti Gawain affirmation, visualizing a positive outcome: "This or something better is now manifesting in my life in totally harmonious and satisfying ways for the greatest good of all concerned." Two hours later, I found myself in a store, purchasing the item I needed--and it was on sale!

How often does it happen that we think about someone and they call? Coincidence or manifestation? The mind is a powerful vehicle! When we allow the chatter to rule, it is our mind controlling us. Yet, we can make this self-talk work to our advantage. Miracles unfold when we take control of our mind and tell it what to tell us.

How might we do this? The words we use reflect an inner subconscious perception. And we often behave according to our perceptions. So if our perceptions are inaccurate and negative, they have the potential to create a negative outcome. Our perceptions and beliefs, as relayed through the messages we tell ourselves, can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, something that comes true because we believe it. Therefore, we must take care what we tell ourselves.

Think of it this way: a little child is told that they are stupid, and they grow up believing they are. This affects how they see themselves (negatively) and potentially how they interact with the world (unsuccessfully). We know that saying such messages to a young child is damaging and do not intentionally set out to do this, yet we may continually do this to ourselves, from the moment we awaken to the time we fall asleep--play negative mental self-talk tapes in our mind.

By harnessing the power of the mind, we create our perceptions and thus our realities. Feed your mind good food for thought, the same way you fuel your body with healthful foods that help it feel good and move better. This is one important way in which we can create miracles in our lives and ultimately create ourselves.

What positive messages do you tell yourself to manifest miracles in your life?

Are you parked?

2012-01-09T18:42:00.000-05:00

Last summer when I pulled into a church parking lot in New Hampshire to turn the car around, I found myself in front of this sign. I love it!

This has me thinking about where I might be parked in my life at any given time...not moving backward, nor moving forward. Still. Sometimes stillness is good. It gives me the space to contemplate that move forward. Sometimes the stillness feels like being frozen in my tracks: parked. And sometimes being parked feels like forever as I wait to move on. Maybe it's not time to move. Or maybe I see this sign and know in my soul that thou shalt not park here.

Where are you parked in your life?

Nothing is Everything

2011-12-29T15:46:00.001-05:00

It's that time again...time to make those New Year's resolutions that, come somewhere mid-January we either forgot we made or forgot why we made them. Oh, and if we do remember, we wonder how to keep them! How about trying something different this year? Don't make any resolutions!

Coach U's The Zen of Attraction aptly says, "If less is more, then nothing is everything." This handy reminder hanging on the bulletin board above my desk goes on to say, among other things: "Promise nothing. Just do what you most enjoy doing...Expect nothing. Just enjoy what you already have; it's plenty...Need nothing. Just build up your reserves, and your needs will disappear...Change nothing. Just tell the truth, and things will change by themselves" (Coach U's Essential Coaching Tools, CoachInc.com, 2005).

When you finish doing the above, and if you still choose to make New Year's resolutions, remember to be grateful and express that gratitude to the Universe. Gratitude goes a long way toward attaining more of the good things life provides.

Happy New Year Everyone--may all your goals and wishes for 2012 manifest for you in totally harmonious and satisfying ways!

Meet Carlee--my lesson in letting go

2011-12-23T09:32:00.000-05:00

I rarely share such personal stories here on my blog, but this spiritualtome bears telling as Christmas and all the miracles of the season approach.

Meet Carlee. This little gem,the runt of the litter, came into my life as the lesson of letting go wasunfolding around me. While facilitating a workshop in New Carlisle, Gaspe, Iwas dealing with a difficult personal situation occupying my thoughts. Aftercompleting the workshop, a particularly unpleasant e-mail threatened to shatterthe enjoyment of what would be a day to tour the coast andsee Perce Rock with my colleague. So I asked the Universe to get me through thechallenge of my emotions and let me enjoy exploring this coastal region. Onehour later, I came upon a litter of four furry ball kittens along a dirt roadleading up to Black Lake. It seemed they were hitching a ride, having beenabandoned as I later learned commonly happens with the local population of unwantedcats. My colleague and I stopped the rental car and the sparse traffic, notknowing quite what to do. It was clear to me: I could not, after asking theUniverse for a miracle, bypass these animals whose situation made them far morevulnerable and helpless than mine.

Herding cats is no easy feat; we finallygot them all settled into the car, and then the adventure of findingthem homes began! I had only one day to place these treasures or locate a refugethat would care for them until good homes could be found. Harbored in thebathroom of my hotel, along with litter, food and water, they ate voraciouslyand slept in the bathtub while I worked the phones in a networking frenzy thathad one little black male placed with a family and the three remaining kittens going toa wonderful refuge called Amis-Zoo run by Andree. Andree and her partner,Michel came to my hotel room the night before I was to leave by plane the nextmorning. She would take two kittens as I had told her I would take one homewith me. Unfortunately, the small private airline's administration told metheir policy of not allowing animals on the plane. I couldn't take the chanceof not being allowed on-board if I tried to smuggle this little angel in mysweater.

I had to let it all go...let my personal situation and the things I cannot change go, let these beautiful good-naturedkittens go, and I had to let go, the little one I wanted to keep, again tellingthe Universe my wish to have her if a way could be found.

Andree entered my hotel room and got right down onthe floor with all of the kittens, now running loose and getting ready fortheir transfer. I told Andree it would be three rather than two as I could nottake Carlee on the plane to Montreal. Then she looked up at me and said:"I'm coming to Montreal in early December. I'll bring her to you."Wow! I let go and the Universe provided!

Carlee is now home, adapting to myexisting two cats who’ve accepted her into the fray. She is independent, gentle,affectionate and fearless--an interesting mix of characteristics that resonatewith me. Carlee is exactly where she needs to be. So am I. And all this justbecause of my willingness to LET GO!

What is your story about letting go?

Staying Clear with the Universe

2011-12-07T08:16:00.001-05:00

Last week a good friend showed me a gorgeous tablecloth someone had made. It's beaded trim and quality material complement its solid craftsmanship and artistry. My friend considered buying it, but wanted it in a different bolder color. I loved the tablecloth and brought it home to see how it would look on my table, thinking that I, too, would have one made in another brighter color.

The tablecloth fits beautifully and the colors blend so well with my decor! So I decided it was mine. And when my friend left I realized I had forgotten to give her the money to pay the creator of this beautiful cloth. Now my check sits written and ready to be mailed or dropped off.

You see...this is about more than the money and paying for what I purchase. This is about keeping my debts clean and clear with the universe. I want this money intentioned for the creator of my tablecloth, set aside and ready because I want the universe to let me keep this tablecloth. It is about integrity--paying what is due so that the universe continues to provide. This is one of the ways abundance shows up in my life.

What debts do you need to clear with the universe?

Just say "thank you"

2011-12-03T06:12:00.001-05:00

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough. -Meister Eckhardt

We often hear the phrase "Forgive and forget." It's a tall order. We might think that if only we could forgive and forget, then perhaps we can move on and move past the hurt. In an ideal world, we could do this easily and effortlessly. But we are in a world where hurts resurface and the reminders stay fresh. So I'm proposing another way...

Don't forgive--just do nothing around forgiveness, except for forgiving yourself (see Forgiveness Starts with the Self), then, instead of forgetting, remember. Yes, remember. And finally, say "thank you." What?! Say thank you? Someone has hurt me and I must thank them??? Yes. Be grateful for what you have learned through the hurt. Thank that person either directly or indirectly for they have helped you along life's journey. We are all here to learn lessons, which are often repeated until we do.

Thank you means not resisting. Thank you means accepting that the hurt happened. Thank you means recognizing the good that comes out of the hurt. And thank you means you won't go there again. It's done, the hurt is over, the lesson is complete.

What lesson are you thankful for?

Failure is the Key to Success

2011-11-20T07:07:00.001-05:00

I once read somewhere that if you never try something you cannot fail.

What's a success you've had that's been shaped by failure?

Creatively Visualize your Reality

2011-11-18T09:15:00.001-05:00

Imagine yourself lying in this hammock (Photo courtesy of
Wikimedia Commons Free Images)

I love creative visualization and how it has the potential to shape my reality. While traditionally this might mean visualizing or seeing something in your mind's eye, I believe visualization can happen on a more sensual level, which ultimately makes it creative. We can creatively visualize using all of our senses--seeing, hearing, tasting, feeling, touching and even intuiting--to attain a desired outcome.

What might this look like? You dream of taking a trip somewhere...perhaps the tropical south, an exotic sandy oasis bathed in sunshine. You close your eyes and see yourself there, hearing the sounds of it, smelling the smells and tasting the salt of the sea, touching the textures, feeling at peace in this environment, and intuiting what that means for you.

This simple act can create our reality. The mind is a powerful vehicle. According to W. Clement Stone, "Whatever the mind...can conceive or believe, it can achieve."

Now you try it: think of something you'd like to do, be, or have. What does that look like when you close your eyes and imagine your goal and its result, using all of your senses?

The 10-10-10 Principle and Letting Go

2011-11-17T12:44:00.001-05:00

How important is it? When I am dealing with a huge decision, I stop and ask myself this: What will be the outcome of my decision...in 10 minutes...in 10 months...in 10 years? And then it is easy to decide because the answer usually tells me what I need to know. Then I can let it go, knowing that the universe will take care of the rest. There is much grace in letting go, like a balloon floating up into the sky.

Self-Awareness Through Conversation

2011-11-10T08:54:00.000-05:00

How do I know what I am thinking until I say it? I like this Einstein quote someone once applied to adult learning because it zeros right in on why we need conversation. That space allowing us to verbalize our thoughts also lets us become aware of what we are thinking. It is essential for self-awareness and our learning about the self.

Perhaps this is what makes journal writing so effective. We pen our thoughts, conversing with ourselves. This gets these thoughts out of our heads and into the open for our own examination and learning.

My new experience with personal (life) coaching is that the coaching conversation seamlessly allows this. You achieve this space through the coach's presence and listening. Life coaching is a powerful way to know what you are thinking because you get to say it and have it heard. The bonus is that you get to co-examine your thoughts in a meaningful way.

Freedom

2011-10-31T19:51:00.000-04:00

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose..." and so Janice Joplin's song Me and Bobby McGee goes. I love it! Walking in nature yesterday I pondered this word freedom--actually I felt it! It was an aha moment born of a sunny crisp day of fall colors. At that point in time, I felt this sense of freedom. I could walk and be in my head, feeling unhampered by anything or anyone. I felt free. It was this feeling of owning my time and energy, this feeling of lightness, this feeling of intense oneness with myself, not dependent on what anyone thinks of me, how anyone views me or what anyone says about me. And of course, it is born of so much work on myself to get there. When you can detach and know that you are enough as you are, you feel free...free to be yourself.

What does freedom mean to you?

Sttrrettchhhh

2011-10-29T07:09:00.000-04:00

You wake up and your body elongates in a stretch, pullingeach of the muscles out from your core, reaching beyond the space your bodyoccupies. It feels good and limbering. Now imagine applying this concept toyour life, stretching beyond your limits and your comfort zone to achievesomething more, something greater. What does that feel like?

How can you apply these tips to stretching your life?

Stretching might mean doing a task you normally would not do,like walking up to a stranger and introducing yourself, or beginning aconversation. It might also mean pushing yourself to take action you’d neverconsider, standing your ground or asserting yourself. It might even mean takingan alternate route to a favorite place. Stretching means getting out of yourcomfort zone.

Sometimes I’m not even aware that I’m in a comfort zoneuntil I contemplate stretching beyond it. It is that reaching outside of therealm of the known and the comfortable that leaves me questioning,second-guessing and sometimes stalling for time. What really helps in theseinstances is getting informed. Then I break the task down into small manageablesteps, reaching out, and slowly stretching toward something greater, somethingI envision and then design. That stretch becomes self-growth where thepossibilities are endless.

What does stretching beyond your comfort zone mean to you?

Eliminating the Shoulds

2011-10-21T05:33:00.000-04:00

"I should do this” or “I should have done x."...Haveyou ever found yourself saying this? These are the dreaded SHOULDS. The SHOULDSare often based upon unrealistic expectations, as well as the perceived orexplicitly communicated expectations of others. Although they may have a rightful place in our lives, usually this placeis locked away in a closet somewhere along with its guilty-by-associationpartner, GUILT.

I’ve done it—shoulded myself into guilt: I should have spent more time...(helping,giving, doing for others). SHOULD and GUILT hang out together, lying in wait in ourconsciousness and pouncing on us quickly with an invisible whacking stick (yes,whacking, not walking). We beat ourselves up with it.

So next time you find yourself thinking about what you thinkyou should have done, stop, listen and be gentle with yourself (You reallyshould stop feeling guilty). Instead, tell yourself that next time you’ll dothings differently. And you will. Nowput that stick away and go out and do what you should be doing!

Ouch!--Essential Self-Care

2011-10-14T08:18:00.001-04:00

It happens yet again...I do for someone else what they can do for themselves, and it comes back and bites me. All I was trying to do was help! Sound familiar? Perhaps all too familiar! The last time this happened to me for what I told myself was indeed the LAST time, I found a brick and tied a pink ribbon around it. This brick now sits prominently on a table in my dining room as a reminder that a brick to the forehead really hurts.

While we may mean well by trying to do well, we may be taking on yet another help mission that stops us from taking care of ourselves and our own needs. I call it essential self-care. It's essential because if we put ourselves last, we are no good to anyone, least of all to ourselves. There will always be someone needing something from us. Certainly no one is an island; we must to work together and help each other. But there are indeed times when we must butt out, step back and allow the other person to take care of their business while we take care of our own.

Speaking of taking care, now I must go swallow a pill for that headache caused by one too many bricks to the forehead...

The Color of Success

2011-10-03T09:44:00.000-04:00

What is success? How do you know you have attained it--personally or professionally? If you had to assign success a color, what color might you choose? You see, there are as many definitions of success as there are individuals. And it all depends on your priorities. A passing grade in a course is one person's success while achieving an A+ is another's. It's all relative. While you might be prone to thinking of success in terms of it's likely polar opposite--failure--stretch a little. See success as varying shades of a color. See it in terms of the learnings from some of the mistakes we must make along the way.

I gave this some thought and came up with my definition: "Completing a task to the best of my abilities, based on my commitment to a goal, and then reflecting upon what I have learned and how I will apply that learning in the future." Then I thought about it some more and distilled it to: "Success is achieving my goals" even if it takes longer because I have encountered some bumps along the road.

The color of my success would be yellow, a bright sunny yellow representing that feeling of sheer happiness resulting from my achievement. In fact, I think of a yellow brick road, paved with good intentions, and leading to what I love. For me, so long as the intentions are good, then so are the mistakes made along the way. This is how we learn.

When creating your definition of success, keep it all about you. You cannot borrow from someone else when fashioning your success statement. While imitation is the highest form of flattery, you must define success in terms of your own life and goals. Give it a color that reflects your passion. Go ahead...define and color your success. I'd love to hear about it.

I am

2011-09-25T09:40:00.000-04:00

Awesome...just awesome being in the presence of such a great spiritual teacher and inspirational leader--Dr. Wayne Dyer. Speaking at The Palais de Congres of Montreal last night to a room of 1200 people brought together by Anne Thibault-Berube's Autopoetic Ideas, Dyer's energy at this event was palpable. I took away a clarity that has forever touched my soul and my relationship with my higher self and my Higher Power. It is simply this: I am.

Dr. Dyer makes the writings of great thinkers accessible as he interprets these for us. One of his interpretations last night comes from The "I Am" Discourses (Saint Germain Series, Vol. 3), a small book he read from. Dyer said: "The great presence within you that you call 'I am' is God." The discussion then followed that when you say 'I am...(well, prosperous, content)', you are that, your highest self. Therefore, when we say 'I am tired or not feeling well, or or or...' we are creating that reality, a reality which we also have the power to change.

We heard about the five principles Dyer expounds on in his forthcoming book, Mastering the Art of Manifestation, to be released in March 2012:

Imagination - the greatest gift you've been given
Living from the end - seeing what you want manifest
Assume the feeling of the wish fulfilled
Attention - going to 'I am" when the subject matter of something comes up
Now I lay me down to sleep - how our thoughts marinate in our subconscious mind during those 8 hours and the value of applying "I am" in the five minutes before drifting off to sleep at night

Dr. Dyer ended his talk with two very powerful quotes: "When you trust in yourself, you trust in the very wisdom that created you." and "You can either be a host to God or a hostage to your ego."

I am...a host to God and all things that are good in my life. Thank you, Wayne Dyer, for your inspiration and enlightenment along a soul's journey!

How did I miss that??

2011-09-24T10:40:00.001-04:00

Sometimes we don't see something happening. Or it is well hidden. Other times, we notice it but don't really "see" it. Or we see it and choose not to notice it. We practice denial, that protective coping mechanism which allows us to live our lives unfettered and not have to deal with what might present a painful or challenging situation. Denial is often jokingly referred to as a river (The Nile) in Jordan--most of us have never been there, nor have we seen it. But we know it exists...just like painful clues to a situation that is uncomfortable for us. And somehow we miss those clues.

Enter intuition--that little voice inside each of us. It tells us stuff. It sends us important messages. It helps feelings surface, for us to look at vis-a-vis what we are noticing. The problem arises when we squash that little voice, rationalizing it as: "It couldn't be. Nah, it's impossible." A dear friend of mine likens denial to sending that little child inside herself back into the basement, not listening to her or hearing her needs. I like to call intuition my sixth sense. And I feel it located somewhere between my solar plexus and my gut. That "gut feeling," as we say.

And so we go about our daily life as if nothing is happening that would upset the perfect balance we have created for ourselves. Except it is not so balanced. In fact, it is downright out of whack. Because next thing we know, we are reacting to something that we don't know or see. We might find ourselves questioning and obsessing. And while it might be crazy and crazy-making, it requires our attention nonetheless.

How do we identify that inner voice or wisdom and give credence to this inner child's needs? We stop and listen--really listen. And we stop challenging ourselves as not knowing best. We do. Let ourselves overreact or feel outlandish in our thinking. And just sit with the possibility of it, the "What if?" of it. When we let ourselves become open to the clues, they all fit like pieces to a jigsaw puzzle. Then we can make our best decisions. And we will. Because we do know best.

Doing Better

2011-09-05T09:56:00.000-04:00


From my October 24, 2010 post Facing Adversity

"When you know better, you do better." Maya Angelou's sage words ooze self-growth. When you experience that 'aha moment,' you may realize that at any given time, and through any kind of pain, you are doing the best you can with what you've got. Perhaps you didn't have all the information or see the bigger picture. Perhaps you were reacting to a situation over which you had no control. It's not an excuse nor an absolution. It's simply a way of making peace within. You acknowledge that you did the best you could at the time. And then you can allow others that same space. It ties in with forgiveness--of the self and of others. It ties in with moving on to a better place: a place of healing. You do better now because now you know better. And that is the best anyone can do. A Leonard Cohen line aptly reflects this: "There are cracks in everything. That's how the light gets in."

A Path Unfolding

2011-08-16T06:00:00.000-04:00

Imagine walking along a path where you cannot see in front of you...perhaps there is fog or haze or dense forest. You push forward. And as you move along the path, sure-footed, but not so sure of yourself, the path unfolds. It opens up to reveal more path, a longer stretch. You keep moving and it keeps opening. You become aware that this is what faith is made of. You begin to realize that you need to trust that the path beneath your feet will be there, level and ready for you. You need only take one step at a time and have faith. This is the miracle of life unfolding. It is the miracle of readiness. When you are ready for the next step, the path unfolds. It's like magic. It's your life. And it doesn't get any better than that. You need only trust.

To Thine Own Self Be True

2011-08-12T00:34:00.002-04:00

It's all too familiar: we are asked to do something and we want to say "no," but because we don't want to hurt that person's feelings or make them angry, we say "yes." Then we end up feeling hurt, sad, angry, frustrated and ultimately, resentful. We have not been true to ourselves, selling ourselves a bill of goods around wanting to please someone else. In the end, we have not pleased ourselves, so we have pleased no one.

Then there is the guilt. We may feel guilty for not doing for someone what they have asked, and we may feel guilty for not taking care of ourselves. Controlling people know this--they count on it. They might try to manipulate using words to incite in us feelings of guilt about taking care of our needs first.

It's rather easy to fall prey to this cycle if we answer a request too quickly. What I find helpful is telling someone: "Let me think about that and get back to you." I sit with the request and see if it really works for me and if I have it within me to fulfill that request. Only after taking pause, can I respond with clarity and confidence: "Yes, I would be happy to do that for you." or "No, this does not suit me to do x at this time."

We are not responsible for the reactions of others. We can only be true to ourselves. Now, how powerful is THAT?!

Are you marking yourself down?

2011-08-04T10:06:00.000-04:00

This short paragraph recently appeared in my inbox via a dear friend:

"If you are not being treated with love and respect, check your price tag. Perhaps you have marked yourself down. It is YOU who tells people what you're worth by what you accept. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where the valuables are kept! Learn to value yourself more...if you don't no one else will! If you like, repost this. It may help someone get off the clearance rack." --Author unknown to me

A beautiful illustration of this appears in Vanity Fair's recent interview with Jennifer Lopez about her divorce from Marc Anthony. She alludes to deserving better: "Sometimes we don't realize that we are compromising ourselves. To understand that a person is not good for you, or that that person is not treating you in the right way, or that he is not doing the right thing for himself -- if I stay, then I am not doing the right thing for me," she says. "I love myself enough to walk away from that now."

What is YOUR price tag?

To the Rescue

2011-08-01T19:29:00.002-04:00

Rescuing...sounds so altruistic, doesn't it? It's the stuff of goodness, kindheartedness and humanity. It's actually the kiss of death. It kills the self and the self in others in subtle ways because we stop focusing on ourselves. In focusing on others, we do not let them own their stuff. In her book, Codependent No More, Melody Beattie devotes an entire chapter to this beast in relationships. She talks about an unhealthy need in us to be needed by others and the ensuing dependency this can create. We try to control others and their behaviors and outcomes, telling ourselves that "we are only trying to help."

Rescuing is when we do for others what they can do for themselves. When I think about rescuing, I think of how we sometimes want more for someone than we believe they should want for themselves. We may even think we know what they should want and when they should want it. We cajole, convince, trick, persuade and otherwise push the other into accepting our help--often before they have even asked for it. What makes this so dangerous for us in relationships? It's that when we help a drowning person, we risk being pulled under as well. We may forget to save ourselves.

Whenever I find myself focusing on someone else's problem and trying to make it my own by thinking and worrying about it, I now ask myself the question: "What is it that am I not focusing on in my own life that currently needs my attention?" The list is endless! Then I get to the important work of making that phone call I've put off or doing that task I've left aside. And I trust that the other person will get to whatever task will help them along their journey. I rescue myself from rescuing another.

The Lazy Days of Summer

2011-07-26T20:22:00.002-04:00

Summer is a great excuse for writer's block. So much for the opportunity of time off to write that prize-winning novel! Beaches, sand, sun and sitting on a terrace sipping Sangria all compete with that quiet time and space needed to put thoughts onto the page. So be it! Summer is short. Before we know it, shovels will replace beach towels as snow covers the sand.

There is something therapeutic about digging one's toes into the sand, or walking on a beach as the waves lap at your feet. I was amazed recently by the buzz on Hampton Beach as early as 8 am; people dotted the beach doing activities like jogging, walking and even meditating. It became my routine to power walk for an hour using Nordic walking sticks.

The salt spray and the early morning sun made a heady combination, inciting a euphoric feeling of well-being that set the pace for the rest of the day. I can still hear the ocean's melody of crashing waves!

How are you spending YOUR lazy days of summer?

How do you see your glass?

2011-06-08T22:27:00.001-04:00

Lucyna's Blossom Vegas with a glass in the grass

Do you see your glass as half full or half empty? It's amazing how life offers us abundance at every turn. Sometimes we have our sights set elsewhere and we may not see it. Besides seeing the abundance, we must also appreciate it.

Certainly when we are having a bad day or feeling badly about ourselves, we may not see the abundance in our lives, let alone feel grateful for it. We find our glass empty and we may feel empty. Truth is, we need to find ways to fill our own glass and then take the time to appreciate ALL that we have.

It is only when we learn to appreciate the abundance in our lives--in love, family, friendships, our work and our play--that we get more. We are filled up, like a glass brimming with cool refreshing water on a hot summer day (before the puppy emptied it! :-)).

How do you see your glass?

A Year of Firsts

2011-05-23T22:31:00.000-04:00

If you've ever had to grieve a loss, you may understand that the first year is the hardest. That first year, with all of its associations and seasons, marks the passage of time as healer. No matter what the loss--a pet, a job, a relationship, an addiction--there is that year of firsts you need to get through and heal through.

Grieving has no time line and you might not know when it ends. It just gets easier and you begin to feel lighter. The cycle completes itself.

Walking Backwards

2011-05-18T08:16:00.002-04:00

Try this...as you are walking, stop in your tracks. Now, walk backwards. And don't look over your shoulder--that's cheating! Notice how this feels. Scary, isn't it? You might be afraid that you'll walk into someone or something, or even trip and fall. It feels odd and uncomfortable, doesn't it? Remember doing this as a precarious and precocious young child, along with not stepping on cracks and all manner of common childhood games and rituals?

Now, let's think about change: major life change. As I've talked about change in a former blog post (see Necessary Losses), I am reminded that making a major life change or shift feels just like walking backwards! At first I don't trust that I'll be safe and not bump into anything and hurt myself. There is definitely this strangeness about doing things differently because it feels out of my routine (to walk backwards). It's like writing with my non-dominant hand, or wearing a shirt backwards, or even taking an alternate route to a favorite well-known place.

Walking backwards as in making a major life change, involves trust. It means having faith that this change is exactly what is supposed to happen. It requires trusting that you are being guided along a path, even though you may not see where you are going. It's HUGE really. But just think: you finally get there and then you turn around...and you see the beauty of where you are.

I dare you to try walking backwards today--no, double dare! ;-))

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-08T07:56:00.000-04:00

Today is Mother's Day, a day to celebrate our mothers, grandmothers and any special person who has mothered us. It's a day to celebrate Mother Nature. It's a day to give thanks and be grateful for that omnipresent universal mother who has birthed all life. We each owe our very existence to a mother, someone who brought us into the wonder that is the miracle of our life. Happy Mother's Day to YOU!

Kissing Frogs

2011-05-02T21:35:00.000-04:00

Who couldn't help but notice the royal nuptials of William and Catherine this past weekend? It was a grand event that perhaps helped us forget about our own lives, if only for a few hours. It let some of us live vicariously as we watched the fairytale unfold around a story of love and hope, perhaps shedding a tear or two (buckets).

People get married every day (or not). Isn't every bride walking down that aisle, living her own fairytale of sorts? She has kissed her frog, made him a prince and dressed him up for the altar. For better, for worse, till death do they part (but usually not or not before they kill each other!).

What is it about weddings that makes us all soggy-eyed and emotional? Is it the splendor, the hope, the chance to live the dream that we are primed for as little girls? And why don't men grow up dreaming of getting married? Are we, as women, products of a socialization belonging to the culture of western womanhood? Or did the patriarchy invent marriage as a way to keep women busy prepping for life in the frog pond, hopping from one lily pad to the next in search of the elusive frog prince?

I think that we ultimately look to weddings as a source of inspiration, hopeful that those little tadpoles resulting from it are coming into a better place.

Spring Cleaning

2011-04-27T06:41:00.014-04:00

Spring has sprung, the grass is riz, look at all the junk there is!! Spring is a time of cleansing and renewal. Perhaps we have come to associate spring with cleaning and clearing: decluttering, ripping down curtains and washing walls, sometimes even repainting, and certainly repairing. It can be a time of renovation. It's certainly a time of innovation. By this I mean self-innovation or self-renewal. We take down the inner curtains and paint the interior of our souls, repairing and renovating ourselves as we declutter our lives.

We have awakened to the myriad of possibilities after a long winter solstice. We come out of hibernation to meet our new and energetic selves, the ones that lay dormant beneath the snow like so many creatures. The snow melts, giving way to a gloomy wet soggy tapestry just waiting to be made new by the sunshine and air as a new cycle of nature blooms.

I love spring. I love the chance to start fresh with the budding leaves. I am budding; my soul is about to bloom and burst forth into flower and song.

What does Spring represent for you?

Settling for More

2011-04-17T22:58:00.000-04:00

Sometimes less is indeed more, but not always. Today a restaurant waitress asked if the basket of charred toast she set on the table before us, was too burned. It took me all of two seconds to decide I would absolutely not eat burnt toast. It got me thinking about how we sometimes settle and particularly about how we sometimes settle for less.

When it comes to our worth, less is definitely not more. We are more and we deserve more. We deserve better than to settle for a basket of charred toast. In fact, we deserve to have our toast exactly how we want it. It has very little to do with getting what we pay for. This off the beaten track hole in the wall restaurant with decent prices for a full breakfast was highly recommended by a friend living in the area.

Consider this important way of the universe: when we assert ourselves as being worth more, we get more. The universe provides--we need only trust and believe. We need only love ourselves enough.

Do you ever find yourself settling for less--in life, in work or in love? Let's raise a glass of orange juice and make a toast to settling for MORE!

Ho'oponopono

2011-03-29T19:37:00.000-04:00

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I thank you. And I love you." These four-phrases form a powerful mantra, that when repeated for several minutes each day, provides a cleansing that opens our energies and helps us to overcome resentment, pain and past hurts. Based on the teachings of Dr. I. Hew Len, this affirming string of simple sentences is wonderfully healing, bringing us back to zero as we take 100% responsibility and make amends...

I'd love to hear back from any of my readers who try this.

Creating from what we know

2011-03-18T17:46:00.004-04:00

Do you ever watch a riveting film or read an engaging book or otherwise enjoy any great work and wonder: "Where did that inspiration come from?" At the same time you may be thinking about how that writer, painter, or artist captured the essence of something deep within you. Well, the secret is that artists create from what they know.

My friend and fellow blogger Claudia Del Balso's recent post about writing from pain relates to this notion. Great symphonies can elicit guttural reactions as they reach into us with a poignancy that draws out our innermost feelings. We can see the rawness of Van Gogh's pain in his paintings. The film Incendie is a moving tale. Although not based on a true story, it's an ingenious depiction of someone's reality, even if it's pieced together and woven with threads from different real stories. Creative works usually arise out of a place of knowing, of the known--be that pleasure or pain.

As writers, we write from what we know. For example, over the years, I went on many fishing excursions with family and friends, finally realizing a disinterest in the sport as I turned vegetarian. But those years of hooking worms, getting snagged and patiently awaiting a bite were not lost as I parlayed all that experience into a play about fishing and used it to communicate some important social values around misogyny. It was a wholly cathartic piece of writing, playing with a specific genre in order to express personally meaningful issues, and within the context of fishing, no less!

What do you find yourself creating from what you know?

And the lucky winner is...

2011-03-12T12:36:00.001-05:00

Congratulations to Vasilios whose name was drawn from the toe of a striped sock today. You are the lucky winner of one quarter pound of balloons! May you enjoy filling them with water and throwing them at passing buses! Thank you to everyone who took the time to celebrate One Word Pundit's 1st Anniversary with your shares and comments.

Is Happy the New Buzz Word?

2011-03-11T08:19:00.001-05:00

Don't worry, be happy! If I had a dime for every time I heard that line that when I was in Jamaica some years back, I'd be rich--and happy! It's such a simple statement. It rolls off our tongues like some platitude. We try to believe it. When we hear that song, we think of the likes of Bob Marley basking in the sunshine on some beach, reggae music blasting in the background. What's not to be happy about? Here we shiver and shovel, then complain as more snow falls. I have a dear friend (she shall remain nameless) who reminds me weekly about how much she hates the snow. I cringe thinking about what she'd do with a shovel if I suddenly blurted: "Don't worry, be happy!"

Is "Happy" the new buzz word? In recent years, there has been a deluge of articles written about happiness and being happy. Relationship gurus spout about the importance of happiness within the self and how that reflects on our significant relationships. A whole spate of writing exists out there to remind us about the nature of happiness...as if that is not reason enough to make us unhappy. Why all this focus on happiness anyway? Why care if those endorphins are coursing through us, keeping us smiling? I think pigs have it right: they sit in IT and they're still happy.

So yes, it really is that simple: stop worrying for you cannot change the event that has not yet occurred and that you are worrying about, and just be happy about what you do have. I like to say, "Fake it until you make it." It's not always an easy task to plaster a smile on your face and face the world. But then again, it is a catch-22. What you put out there, you get back. You smile at the universe and it smiles on you. It IS that simple.

Don't worry, just be happy!

Happy 1st Anniversary One Word Pundit!

2011-03-07T21:52:00.003-05:00

It has been a year since One Word Pundit joined Blogland and it's been a wonderful year of posting!

Come celebrate with us! Here's how...
- Share your favorite blog post from this past year
- Recommend a new follower, or become a follower
- Comment on what you like about One Word Pundit

Your name will be put into a draw for 1/4 pound of balloons.

Happy Anniversary One Word Pundit!

Necessary Losses

2011-03-04T08:21:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had to lose something in order to gain something else? Perhaps you left a job in order to gain a career, or let your child grow and go, gaining an adult but experiencing the loss of an empty nest. Perhaps it was more profound, such as a life change.

Change often involves a loss and usually involves a gain. That gain might not be immediate. And how we wish it was! It requires that we let go. Sometimes, even when they are not serving us well, we hold steadfastly to our ideals, our goals, our dreams just so we don't have to experience the pain of loss. Life circumstances might force our hand, making us take that risk, break out of our comfort zone and cut loose, creating a necessary loss. And in the end, a greater good prevails.

Judith Viorst explores this very deep reality of the human condition in her book Necessary Losses. Her best-selling classic on love, loss and letting go helps one to put into perspective, what living through inevitable change is all about.

Only One Word/Phrase

2011-02-17T10:05:00.000-05:00

If you suddenly woke up tomorrow and had lost all your vocabulary, what is the one word--actually phrase--you'd be grateful to remember? I'd say it is "Thank you." This is a powerful word. Practice it daily to others and to yourself.

Thank you has way more meaning than any single word, symbol or gesture. A heartfelt "Thank you" goes to the heart right away. It lets people know they are appreciated in a world that moves too fast and often too unpredictably. It validates and soothes. It it the verbal pat on the back for a job well done. "Thank you" is the holy grail of all words. Use it and mean it.

Have you said "Thank you" today? Thank YOU for reading my blog! :-))

Bullying Hurts

2011-02-14T06:35:00.000-05:00

It was disheartening to hear it said: "We all bully someone at some time in our lives" when I attended the first two presentations of a medical grand rounds forum called The Bullying Stops Here: the bottom line from neuroscience, psychiatry and education at The Montreal Children's Hospital last week. What does this say about us as humans? An empowering forum it was! It opened with psychologist Dr. Tracy Valiquette, imminent expert in the field of bullying, and then continued with Maureen Baron of The English Montreal School Board, who fully addressed the hot topic of cyber-bullying.

Bullying is any threatening or overtly harmful and repetitive action one takes toward another. It ranges from simple put-downs, manipulation, control and verbal abuse, to physical violence, which occur along a continuum of varying degrees of psychological, emotional, financial, sexual and physical abuse.

Dr. Valiquette's presentation set the tone as she made a connection between bullying as a cause of poor physical and mental health. She did this by explaining how our very real need as humans to affiliate with our peer groups (and families) and belong are what put as at the greatest risk when these same human social interactions hurt us. She explained how we are wired to belong and deferred to Harlow's study of monkeys where monkeys with no peer attachment was critical in terms of the monkeys' later "odd" behavior. She suggested the way our bodies' chemistry is affected by bullying as it seems that physical pain is often short-lived whereas social pain can last a lifetime. Both of these types of pain share neurophysical structures, a biology, and the effects are sustained and devastating, resulting in poor self-esteem and a myriad of chronic health conditions.

We often think of the bully as a school yard kid ready to pull a punch, but bullying happens everywhere. Today's technology enables cyber-bullying using a multitude of online and technological ways to intimidate, control, manipulate, victimize and revictimize people. Baron explained that the targets are often students by other students, but that it also happens to teachers by students and between teachers. Her job at the school board is to investigate allegations and directly deal with the perpetrators. She elaborated that what makes cyber-bullying particularly potent is that it is 24/7, can be done any time and anywhere, and allows the bully a certain anonymity (Keep in mind that IP addresses can be traced) while reaching a huge audience at great speed. She finished her excellent presentation with the importance of giving children ethical boundaries around technology with the analogy of just like we do not give a child the keys to our car without driver's education, so we must explain to our child, the rules about conducting oneself using technology. Her final advice was to the person being cyber-bullied: "Stop, Close, Tell."

Remember that the school yard bully grows up and goes into the workplace and forms families, as do those who are bullied. Bullying begets bullying. It's a cycle that continues if left unchecked. And it hurts and harms in ways that are not always visible to the eye.

Bullying must be stopped! It is not okay to continually pummel, degrade, humiliate and harm another person in any way. And as a child, you must tell someone. As an adult hearing this, you must act. As anyone of any age experiencing bullying at the hands of another, you must say "No!" and remove yourself from the situation. No one deserves maltreatment. No one.

We need to start with ourselves and take a long look at how we contribute to this growing problem. We need to take a stand and stand up to the bullies. We need to make our world a bully free zone.

Forgiveness Starts with the Self

2011-02-06T08:38:00.000-05:00

If you could forgive one person in your life who would it be? I would forgive myself. For what? Well, we are so quick to take it all on our shoulders and try to do good and be good. Sometimes we fall short, in the minds of others and perhaps in our own minds. We may tell ourselves, "If only I had done this or that (better) then maybe..." in a cycle of blame and shame that can only be broken by forgiveness...of the self.

In a conversation with a dear friend last night she asked me what I had to forgive myself for. It was an inspiring question. It made me think. It made me turn inward and come up with: "I need to forgive myself first, before I can forgive anyone else." Forgiveness starts with the self because if we can look at our own humanity, our own areas of discomfort and pain, then forgive ourselves for anything we have done to deepen or prolong that pain, then we can move on to forgive those who collude with us to keep that pain going.

Self-forgiveness is empowering. Have you forgiven yourself lately?

The Price of Serenity

2011-01-29T15:49:00.000-05:00

What price would you pay for serenity? Serenity is a place of peace in one's life, and it starts in the mind. A close friend recently left her husband because she loved herself more. She told me that she needed to create a space in her life for herself. Serenity is part of that space. And it has a price. That price is change. Change is the butterfly that morphs into an awesome creature and spreads it's wings to take flight. At some point you look around you and realize that like the butterfly, you've grown through that change. The result, as my friend says, "Is that I am at peace in myself. And there is no price for that."

How do you create serenity in your life?

The Poison of Resentment

2011-01-20T06:31:00.000-05:00

I remember catching part of an Oprah Winfey show where she talked about her resentment and anger toward someone. She told how one day from a distance she saw this person coming out of a department store in New York City, bags in hand, and laughing with a friend. Oprah then said something about here she was being angry while this person was actually living her life, having fun and had no clue!

Resentment is a poisonous pill that releases slowly. I read somewhere that resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.We harbor resentment, actively nourishing it with that negative self-talk tape we play over and over again in our heads. It festers like a boil and just poisons us while eroding the relationship. Is it no wonder we find ourselves physically ill when we carry around long-standing resentments toward someone else?

When someone does something or says something to me that I am not comfortable with, I can practice detachment. Rather than swallow the poison of resentment, I tell myself that I don't own it and that it doesn't belong to me. Rather than die inside, I give it up. In this way, I can let the other person take responsibility for something that was never mine. I am now free to go shopping and laugh with a friend or do another activity that gives me pleasure and boosts my self-esteem.

Turning Over a New Leaf

2011-01-03T09:42:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year! It's that time again: time for change and renewal. It's when we make resolutions for this new year. And it can be a lot of pressure and guilt as resolutions often begin with the best intentions, but sometimes slip away from us before January is even over, resulting in guilt and perhaps fear. So let's think of it differently this year and turn over a new leaf in a new way. Think instead of goal-setting. What is one goal you'd like to accomplish this year? As we reflect on our goal, let's look at what makes good goal-setting.

Goals can be both long term and short term. We set small short term goals in order to reach our longer term goal. Taking a trip is an example of a long term goal and putting money away from each paycheck to pay for that trip can be the short term goal. Our lives are made up of many little goals that move us towards larger goals. This is what motivates us to create and achieve.

There's a great acronym that helps us think about good goal-setting: SMART. For us to achieve our goal it must be specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely. The more specific our goal, the easier it is to measure progress and attain it. Ask yourself if your goal is realistic and doable within the time frame you have set.

What I also like about goal-setting is that we are never alone in achieving our goals. It may start by the commitment of ourselves to our goal by telling someone else. At New Year's brunch around my dinner table, everyone took a moment to share their goal for 2011. Telling others about our goal makes it real and helps us to commit to it. Then there is mobilizing resources to achieve our goal. And that is where we need the help of other people in terms of time, energy, resources and support in order to reach our goal.

What SMART goals have you set as you turn over a new leaf for 2011?

Stress: You CAN Manage It!

2010-12-26T10:49:00.008-05:00

Stressssssssss...that word even sounds stressful, doesn't it? Stress can be positive or negative. In fact, from the moment our big toe hits the cold floor on a chilly morning, our body is experiencing stress because stress is simply change. Hans Selye, a Montreal stress researcher, talked about stress as the body's fight or flight response to a situation. We either stay and deal with the stress or we flee from it, avoiding it. This topic is certainly timely given the stress we often experience at the height of the holiday season.

What is it about stress that has us so stressed out? Our bodies tense up. We may feel nervous and sweaty. We may experience knots in our stomach, chest and at the back of our neck. And we worry, wringing our hands as the stress engulfs us. In effect, it feels like we are losing our stripes!

Certain techniques can help when we are in the throes of a stress reaction. One is to tell yourself "STOP" and then take a deep breath, hold it for 10 seconds, and release it. Do this three times in a row and you will begin to feel the calm settle in your body. This is a great technique to practice right before an exam, or job interview or while driving in heavy traffic. Another effective technique for managing stress is total body relaxation. This involves lying flat, and starting at the top of your body, tense and release each muscle. Doing yoga and meditation also help release stress.

Prevention is key to managing stress rather than letting stress manage you. Here are some of my favorites:

Have a balanced lifestyle
Eat nutritious foods - whole grains, fruits and veggies and drink plenty of water
Exercise daily - take a walk!
Do what you enjoy and learn to enjoy what you do
Engage in meaningful activities and hobbies
Set realistic goals and work to achieve them
Set aside some quiet time daily to reflect and meditate
Learn to say "no" to others when you must and "yes" to yourself more often
Reach out - develop a support network of friends and family and surround yourself with positive people
Play and laugh often - we forget to do this when we are feeling stressed

So when you find yourself stressing out this holiday season, STOP and ask yourself: "Is this really worth losing my stripes?"

Seeing is Believing

2010-12-20T16:21:00.000-05:00

This is not what you think about seeing something and then believing it. What I am about to tell you is that what you see in your mind's eye and what you believe, actually comes to fruition in your life. Some people call it coincidence, others providence or serepindipity. It's linked to a process involving creative visualization and I believe that it comes from a power greater than ourselves.

We go over something in our mind, seeing it unfold. Then we find ourselves there, living it, experiencing it! How did we do that? How can we NOT do that? This is the power of life, love and the greater good aligning to help us along our journey. We need only have faith that all is unfolding according to a greater plan and exactly as it should. We don't force it, for that would be unnatural..

An important part to this seeing is also believing that we are worthy, that we deserve what we see in our mind's eye. When I know inside that I must do a certain something, I simply let myself be led and the rest follows. It's a miraculous process, and the way life falls into place is a miracle. We often hear that Christmas is a time of miracles. I think that maybe, just maybe, we are a little more open to the miracles of life around Christmas time. Are you open and attuned to the miracles in your life?

Transitioning Through Change

2010-11-15T18:23:00.000-05:00

"Changing to face the strange..." This song aptly describes a process that evokes many feelings in us around life transitions. When we encounter change, we encounter strangeness and face a whole host of emotions. Transition is an amazing journey. It's that point between the familiar and the strange. We're caught in a netherworld, neither here nor there, but somewhere in-between that feels so new and so uncomfortable that it might feel painful. It brings me back to my little child within who faced so much newness once upon a time. She may have had the safety of her mother's skirt to hide behind. Or maybe she was thrust into that change so fast and furiously that the safe haven was whatever space she could create for herself. We learn to adapt in the face of change--such is our resiliency as humans.

We're constantly transitioning through change, negotiating and navigating that unchartered territory of a life journey. We come out on the other side, wiser and hopefully better as we may realize how that change helped us to grow. I believe that there can be no personal growth without it.

How do you deal with change? Is it scary? Do you embrace it? Is it dependent upon whether that change is your choice?

Coincidence, Happenstance or Maybe the Natural Order of Things

2010-11-07T01:48:00.000-04:00

Have you ever thought about a friend you haven't seen in awhile and then the phone rings and it's her? Or you receive e-mail from someone who crossed your mind. Have you ever been in the process of making a decision and then noticed how all the pieces just fall into place around making that decision?

I believe there are no accidents in life. Nor do I believe that these events are unrelated and coincidental. I think that something greater is at play in these instances, some guiding force helping us along a chosen path. I simply need to be open to the possibilities and let myself see the signs. When life unfolds according to the natural order of things, it is not me rigging the outcomes. Rather, I am allowing the development of a process that is neither coincidence nor happenstance. And then I notice the synergy. This can ultimately be reassuring as I just let myself go with it and trust that every thing works out for a greater good.

Facing Adversity

2010-10-24T15:16:00.001-04:00

Someone told me yesterday what Winston Churchill once said: "When you're going through hell, keep going." How wise! How many of us back down when facing adversity? I know that I would rather crawl under a rock or run and hide in the woods rather than face a difficult situation head on...sometimes. But other times call for us to rise up and walk through the fire. First we put our big toe in and it feels hot so we retract it. But then we dare to step right in because we realize that we cannot go around it, over it or under it; we just have to go through it. It is said that our challenges make us grow stronger. We never really know that until we get to the other side of the problem, do we? It involves so much faith that there's a greater plan. We just need to trust that things will and do work out.

Assertiveness Skills Part II

2010-10-22T06:55:00.002-04:00

Have you ever noticed the way a young child keeps repeating her request for something? She just keeps asking. I've heard friends say "until they wear you down." Well, that's a rather sophisticated assertiveness technique called The Broken Record. It involves calmly stating your truth over and over to the other person. I remember watching my mother apply this technique in a small dry cleaning/retail outlet when I was a little girl. She wanted to return a pair of pants she'd purchased only the week before. The owner said "No," citing store policy. My mother planted herself at his counter and began her mission: to return the pants and get her money back. Like a mantra, she repeated: "I understand it is your store policy, but I want my money back." My mother had just read the book: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith, and she immediately put into practice the tenets of assertiveness, including other skills you might also find useful:

Self-Disclosure - sharing information about yourself, your thoughts and your feelings.
I become upset when when you show up late for our meeting.

Negative Inquiry - prompting criticism from your speaker in order to use the information in your argument, to build your case.

Fogging or Negative Assertion - calmly acknowledging to your critic that there may be some truth in what she/he is saying:

That may be true...

I know. I have been late picking you up the last three times...

Workable Compromise or Win-Win - when you feel that your self-respect is not at stake, you can work to achieve a solution that benefits all parties involved. However, if your self-worth is in question, there can be no compromise.

It didn't take long for that retailer to refund my mother her money because as she stood there calmly stating her truth, clients came and left. The retailer had a dissatisfied customer on his hands who was driving business away! Yeah, Mom! It was truly inspirational and impressionable to my young mind. Back then I didn't know that one day I'd be teaching assertiveness to classes and in workshops.

Giving Thanks

2010-10-12T01:21:00.000-04:00

Post Canadian Thanksgiving and I am reminded of the beauty around me and in all that I have. I may not have everything I want, but I know that today I have everything I need. As my little family and two friends assembled around our dinner table yesterday evening for an impromptu Thanksgiving meal, we did several activities in celebration of the day. Between the turkey and the dessert, we took turns saying what we are grateful for in our lives. We each expressed gratitude for the people in our lives and the chance to share a delicious meal together. Over warm maple apple crisp and vanilla ice-cream, we did another activity involving drawing around small symbols on the page, and what these mean for the perception of self, love, security and others impacting our existence. It was a wonderful sharing!

What does Thanksgiving symbolize for you? For what do you give thanks--perhaps not only today but every day?

Effective Communication for Dealing with Difficult People

2010-10-08T08:54:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I facilitated a workshop on Effective Communication for Dealing with Difficult People. The group consisted of about 70 administrative support and clerical staff from across a local school board, courageous dedicated front-liners who deal with parents, students, colleagues and all manner of people in general across high school, elementary school and adult education. We talked about triggers and hot buttons and how these get pushed by difficult people.We discussed how dealing with difficult people can be draining. Then we talked about listening and assertiveness as the first line of defense when dealing with someone who is rude, sarcastic or downright hostile.

Call it bullying. Call it intimidation. Many of us sometimes face someone's aggression toward us. We cannot control the way other people react. They own their feelings--good or bad, which in and of themselves are neither right nor wrong. But, it never gives someone the right to treat us badly and with disrespect.

When our personal boundaries are crossed, our bodies alert us in terms of the resulting strong feelings we feel. This is when we need to assert ourselves. In fact, it's how we take care of ourselves and maintain our self-respect. Respect of self begets respect from others.

So here are a few tips distilled from today's session that might help you:

First, just listen…

When someone feels strong emotion, they will NOT hear anything you have to say, so start by simply listening (See my previous blog post about Active Listening).

If the angry person makes you the target of their anger, you don’t have to take it. There are ways to respond professionally.

Let the person know that you will not help or deal with them so long as they are:

· Shouting at you

· Being rude or sarcastic

· Being abusive, hostile or otherwise difficult

If they persist in their behaviour:

· Hang up the phone, or put them on hold

· Ask them to call (or come) back

· Tell them you will not help them if they continue to show hostility

The Non-blaming Four-part Assertion Message or "I-message"

This is the message you calmly deliver when you feel your rights have been trampled on or when you want to say something positive:

When this happens ____________________ (state an observable action that has affected you)

I feel ________________________(state how this action makes you feel)

Because _____________________ (state why it makes you feel this way)

I need _______________________ (tell the other person what you need in terms of tangible

outcomes)

* This formula works for the delivery of both positive and constructive feedback.

Example:

When you yell at me, I cannot help you because I feel stressed. I need you to calm down so that we can sort out this problem together.

Human relations requires that we constantly negotiate our boundaries. This can drain our energy and time, especially when we feel hijacked by someone else's anger. By practicing these simple techniques, you'll find yourself refusing to engage with the difficult person. In the process, you'll preserve your self-respect and command the respect you deserve.

My next blog post will explore other assertiveness skills that complement the non-blaming I-message. Come back and look for it!

I think I CAN...I think I CAN....I CAN!

2010-10-05T23:30:00.000-04:00

It was an awesome sight: a young man getting into his van, quickly and agilely...but with no mobility in his two floppy legs! We watched, only aware that we'd been staring after he shut his door and using a hook of sorts, slid close the side door into which he'd just loaded his wheelchair. He did all this maneuvering with only the strength of his arms!

My son and I just looked at each other, eyes wide and mouths agape. We agreed that here was someone who made a complex task with many steps, look simple to perform despite his handicap. And here we are with full mobility...

This has me thinking about the ways in which we handicap ourselves with: "I can't do it." How often do we say we can't do something? Courage--the courage to try and the courage to do. First it starts with the courage to admit that yes, something may present difficulty. What a humbling experience to watch someone accomplish their goal while challenged! It might give us pause to think about our own good fortune: "For the grace of God, there goes I..."

What limits might you impose on yourself based on that negative self-talk or tape playing over and over in your head? Now tell yourself this thought by Henry Ford: "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right."

A Hundred Rejections

2010-09-29T07:24:00.000-04:00

A rejection came in my e-mail box this morning just after the other one that arrived last night. Now they just roll off me like water off a duck's back. Rejections that is...Or rather, refusals--someone's decision not to use your idea, your story, hire you, _________ (You fill in the blank). No one likes them. We all get them. And as writers, we actively put ourselves out there to get them!

Someone in sales once told me: "Look to get 100 no's first." I'm still counting as I've run out of fingers and toes. It's not yet one hundred (Do I really have to wait?), but I must say, these refusals have been sporadically interspersed with "Yes's". So where does that leave me? Where does that leave us as emerging and even accomplished writers looking to put our voice out there?

It strikes me that while I wait for that "Yes," I should be writing more, not less. I should be working on my next great piece of writing that will get me a yes. For that just might be the creative piece that does it--and if I had sat there wallowing in my self-pity from the no's I'd gotten, then I would never write again. Writing is funny that way. For some reason, the creativity flows, despite the no's.

How do you handle your no's? Have you reached 100 yet? Does it make the "Yes" sweeter?

Lists: a Give-Away and Fodder for a Blog Hop!

2010-09-26T06:00:00.002-04:00

Lists: Grocery lists, shopping lists, to do lists, invitee lists, checklists, listing pros and cons...Do you make lists?

There exists a legion of listy type books out there, devoted to all kinds of lists, what to list, how to make them, what to make of them. I found one I'd purchased at a second-hand bookstore recently, called Lists to Live By: For everything that really matters (The Third Collection) by Alice Gray, Steve Stephens and John Diest (2001). It's a handy little tome that got me thinking about my life as a list or as a series of lists.

We list things that are important to us. What is important to YOU? Here is a blog challenge. Become a follower here, then send me an e-mail (kelhowarth@yahoo.com) with the link to your blog with your creative list post by October 12, 2010. I'll then create a specific blog post, listing each of your links so people can blog hop to read your lists. Some themes to ponder: Self-Esteem Builders, Time Management, Being a good friend. Get creative! There will be no limit to what people can choose to list.

Each person who participates will receive via e-mail, my FREE pdf format Just Do IT To Do List, a tool I created to track tasks and projects.

Happy Listing!

Waiting to Worry

2010-09-24T07:08:00.000-04:00

A friend sent me a most interesting e-mail...you know, the ones you find in your Inbox with some tidbit of wisdom. This one was different: it was an excerpt from a book called Attitude is Everything by Vicki Hitzges, who talks about the concept of waiting before you start to worry. Isn't that a wonderful idea? You tell yourself that Event A has not yet happened and that you will not worry about it until it does. When it happens, then you can worry! Chances are you'll be too busy handling it to worry about it. Or chances are greater that it will never happen.

Sounds simple and actually simplistic, doesn't it? Much of our worry happens because of the messages we tell ourselves--you know, that little 'nAgative' tape that plays inside our head. The idea to apply this act of detaching from the outcomes and thus from worry, to our every day lives, makes sense. It helps us conserve valuable life energy for what really matters in the present. So next time you're tempted to worry about something, take a deep breath, count to ten...and then shelve it.

You listen...but do you REALLY listen?

2010-09-22T17:07:00.001-04:00

Listening is a funny thing. We have two ears and one mouth, yet which do we use the most? Mostly our mouth. I want to speak here about active listening...so listen up!

What's so active about listening? You may think that all listening entails merely hearing. That's the biological function of our ears. Listening can actually be a very creative and intellectual endeavor. But it's not something to take lightly or for those of us who are not in the mood. Let me explain...

Active listening is NOT: interrupting, judging, taking over the conversation, tuning out, giving advice or pretending to listen.

Active listening is:

Acknowledging
Paraphrasing
Reflecting feelings
Empathizing
Genuinely showing interest

We acknowledge our speaker by saying, "Go on," "Uh huh," or "Tell me more...."

We paraphrase, not parrot, by repeating in our own words, what the speaker has said: "So you're saying that..."

Reflecting feelings can be applied to both strong positive or negative feelings from our speaker. Example, someone slams the door. What are they saying? Rather than respond by telling them not to slam the door, you can say, "Seems like you're angry..." or simply, "You're feeling angry (frustrated, etc.).

Empathizing is not showing pity or sympathy, but rather understanding. Instead of saying "I understand," say what it is that you understand: "I understand that you are feeling worried about that..."

Be mindful that we often tune out when we disagree with what the speaker is saying. It's important to detach if you disagree, not take it personally. Understand that "the opinions expressed here..." --you know the drill! You need to be genuine and genuinely interested. Sometimes it's okay to let someone know you aren't particularly interested in discussing a topic. I do that with my DH when he talks about football because I just don't get it and don't wish to! Otherwise, I feign listening and my eyes glaze over. You know how that happens. We all do that at times.

Listening begets listening. Sales representatives know this--good ones anyway. When they listen to you, you often listen to them. When you listen to someone, you're giving them a gift. They feel good and cared about. When we actively listen, we relieve ourselves of the burden of solving other people's problems.

So next time you're tempted to say something, just listen...REALLY listen, with both ears and an open heart and mind.

To be or NOT to be

2010-09-20T15:55:00.001-04:00

Is your writing bogged down by the verb "to be"? Words like "are," "were," "is," and other derivatives of "to be" don't contribute to moving your story forward. In fact, they slow it down or stop it dead.. The passive voice makes your story weak.

As writers we often suffer from To be-itis. This is no surprise, and it parallels the same disease that stops us dead in our tracks as we navigate our lives. The wanna-bes, the shoulds and should nots, the if only I could be's...all contribute to our life stuckness as well as the stuckness in our writing.

Consider this simple example: "They were at the party, dancing." Now, let's rephrase that to: "They danced at the party." Which sentence is more readable? Which one makes you feel like you also attended the party?

What "to-be's" do you use in your life and in your writing? Look closely and you'll find that the best way to move your story along is to use active verbs, the same action verbs that provide the fodder for a life well-lived.

What could you do with just 20 minutes a day?

2010-09-17T10:40:00.001-04:00

Busy. Busyness. Running. Here and there. No time. Let's suppose you could carve just 20 minutes out of your day to do something you're passionate about. Let's suppose that passion is writing. Molly Peacock, poet and creative nonfiction writer (CBC.ca) talks about finding 20 minutes in your day to write. In fact, she assigns her students the task of writing just 14 lines of poetry in that 20 minutes using a timer. I love this idea! Just 20 minutes of your day...every day: part of a lunch hour, a fragment of a commute, a period of time spent waiting in the myriad of lines and offices (See my very first post called Wait Mode). Peacock even suggests that you can produce the material for a book with a year of 20 minutes a day, 5 days a week and 14 lines at a time! What a concept! What can YOU do with 20 minutes a day? Now go set your timer and get busy doing what you love for 20 minutes!

At Home Learning

2010-09-14T01:43:00.038-04:00

Eighteen years ago we embarked on a special family journey and this past weekend I read about it in The Globe and Mail. It was the decision not just to keep our son out of school, but to actually unschool him--let him take the lead in his own learning using life as curriculum. We did this for his entire elementary and high school years.

At the time, I felt like a pioneer of sorts. Today this practice of unschooling or deschooling is becoming more mainstream, and according to this Globe and Mail article, schools are taking notice and learning from it.

It is said that you never regret the things you do, but rather the things you don't do. I have only one regret around unschooling: having second-guessed myself the whole time!

To learn more about our unschooling journey as it unfolded, visit At Home Learning, my web page dedicated to unschooling. If you're unschooled or unschooling, I'd love to hear from you! Tell me about YOUR journey.

Read The Globe and Mail article "More families are deciding that school's out--forever" to learn more.

The Color Purple

2010-09-12T00:56:00.000-04:00

Purple is the color of passion. Purple can also describe the passion we apply to writing. Flowery descriptions can overshadow the message we're trying to convey. It's called purple prose.And it weighs down our writing. Next time you write a piece ask yourself if you can say it with less adjectives and adverbs. My writing colleague who graciously edits my work says, "Show, don't tell." Sometimes it's a matter of a well-placed metaphor rather than a long flowery description. Aim for economy of words to create a vivid picture for your reader--one of many colors, not just purple.

Baring it All

2010-09-04T11:42:00.000-04:00

Today I'm wearing pink underwear with green polka dots. Can you see them? NOT! But if I tell you where I live, I may as well be showing off my underwear. We seem to have become a transparent society through the Internet. People show and tell all via various social networking sites: Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc. I recently read someone's Facebook page, filled with their summer travels, followed by a post with an open invitation to a summer party, along with their street address. As much as I'd like to believe that people are inherently good, I draw the line at openly sharing personal coordinates on a forum where we just don't know who may be viewing them and for what purpose. I also notice the way proud parents list the names and ages of their minor children, complete with updated photos. It makes me wonder if this is prudent parenting, especially given what we know about predators trolling the Internet for vulnerable children.

While the Internet provides a fabulous tool for promotion and self-promotion, we need to guard our core privacy. That includes the privacy of our littlest ones who cannot speak for themselves. We live in an era where the media glamorizes and popularizes baring it all by the likes of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and countless other celebrities. Some of us may fall prey to utilizing the Internet to carve fame of our own. Let's be real here--how much do we respect these people who display for the world to see, the not-so-flattering aspects of their lives? Learning that Paris has been caught with cocaine is no different to me than reading someone's Facebook entry about going on a drinking binge last night and feeling hungover today. It's just not enlightening.

What are you telling the world about yourself? Is it really what you want people to know? Are you inadvertently showing YOUR underwear?

Returning to School? Learn to Study Smarter, Not Harder

2010-09-02T05:20:00.000-04:00

As the lazy days of summer reluctantly give way to the chill in the autumn air, new fall routines begin once again and these may include studying and school. If you're a returning student, you may quickly rebound, but if you're new to school and studying, perhaps returning after many years away, then read on. This article explores how to make your journey easier.

First of all, know that most adults return to studies because of some life transition. It is this life transition that can rear its head time and again throughout your studies, to challenge you so that you may lose sight of why you embarked on this in the first place. Be gentle with yourself.

You may find yourself walking into your new program of study asking yourself if you really belong there, questioning yourself and wondering if you can do it. YES, you can! And you will. Before you know it, you will adapt as it begins to feel like you've always been there. Again, be gentle with yourself.

I'm not here to tell you the obvious: be organized, set goals, manage your time, etc. You know all that and more! You've likely been running your life and household for years, so you know what you need to do. However, successful studying is not about quantity or studying harder. Rather, it's about studying smart. Some people believe you need to study a lot or often. Actually, it's about studying efficiently. Did you know that we spend six years of our lives waiting in line, waiting in general and watching television? Think of what you can now do with all that time in the face of your studies. Get into the habit of toting with you, your materials, books, notes...and use these times to read and reread. You'll be well prepared for exams because you won't be cramming (A little note here for writers who feel they just can't find the time to write: you, too, can use wait times to write!).

Know thyself! How do you learn best? Are you auditory and learn best by listening? Are you visual and learn best by observing or reading? Are you tactile or kinesthetic and learn best by touching or doing? Good teaching involves all three types of delivery of the learning. As learners, however, it is important to know how you learn and then use this knowledge to become a better learner. To understand your learning style, type into GOOGLE, the keywords "Learning Styles" and do one of the quizzes online. Also see my page above titled Multiple Intelligences to learn more about your natural gifts as a learner. When we know ourselves, we can get what we need. This takes the guesswork out of our learning.

You never stop learning; it's an endeavor you do from cradle to grave, both formally and informally. Whether you're taking a course for fun or for professional reasons, you are responsible for your success. Have a wonderful start to your new beginnings as a learner!

Have you had to go back to school and retrain as an adult? What tip or advice can you offer? What worked for you?

And the winner is...

2010-08-28T08:00:00.004-04:00

Thank you to all who participated in my Summer Reading Give-Away! The prize of Elizabeth Gilbert's bestseller Eat, Pray, Love goes to...Hen Jen! Please contact me, Hen Jen, so I can mail this read off to you. Congratulations!

Writing as a Fingerprint

2010-08-27T16:57:00.002-04:00

As no two people's fingerprints are alike, so their writing style is unique as well. It amazes me how 3 people will produce a different piece of writing using the same prompt. We each have our particular writing style and voice that is our fingerprint.

When our writer's group meets for a writing day we bring prompts. Each person's style shines through their writing and the ensuing sharing is truly enlightening. We get to hear the different perspectives. And we come to realize that no matter if a story has been told before, it always differs in the retelling by someone else. If you want to see this in action, visit Sunday Scribblings. This blog posts weekly prompts, inviting readers and writers to share their stories and link back to their own blogs. You'll be amazed at the many unique perspectives on one topic!

Customer Service Personified

2010-08-24T08:01:00.003-04:00

Have you ever simply wanted to get some good in-person customer service when making a product decision? Yesterday my son and I were in search of just that at our cellphone provider. Our contracts were up for renewal and with Fall routines beginning in mere days, we decided to go update our plans. Nobody wanted to deal with us in person as we were told to call for the promotions. Both of our phones were broken and we wanted to transfer my son's plan over to his name. We urgently needed to replace his phone. "You have to do it by telephone," came the refrain from two separate service outlets of this well-known provider. We had two frustrating visits to downtown outlets. At the main Montreal service outlet, after taking a number and waiting for an hour, the female sales rep told me that all the phones were the same, to just choose one as she waved her hand magically over the display of shiny rectangles. She was looking ahead to the next customer in a long line. But I wanted to be sold a phone! If I could just choose one, I would be online and doing the transaction over the telephone. Sometimes we need the tactile experience of the product before buying it, and the in-person sale is the chance to educate the customer.

So we decided to stop by another service outlet where we'd experienced good old-fashioned customer service in the past. What others had all lacked in creativity, we made up for in our own quick thinking with the Sales Representative, Mathieu: call the provider while standing at the phone distribution kiosk. All it took was the cliche of thinking outside the box. While my son sorted out his plan over the phone, our wonderful sales rep showed me his own cellphone, one of the shiny rectangles on display that I hadn't considered. I was sold. He also found one for my son. And he even stayed 10 minutes late to finish up the sale. Using my accumulated plan dollars, we walked away satisfied and with new cell phones.

Now, why I am complaining? I facilitate a college course called The Customer Approach, that's why! And these people need to learn how to help customers! Why can we not get personalized and enthusiastic service any more? Why is it that I have to club the sales rep into awareness? Why did I have to work so hard as a client to get my needs heard and met? And that is what burned me yesterday. Here were two loyal customers, in need of phones and willing to sign 2-year agreements, and the best these first sales reps could do was tell us to call, that they did not want or have the creativity to deal with us in person.

Today as we have our plans and phones in place, Mathieu is our hero. And his boss who was standing right there knows it! Thank you, Mathieu at Fido in Ville LaSalle!

Summer Reading Give-Away Extended!

2010-08-20T11:11:00.000-04:00

For your chance to win bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love, tell us here what corner of the world you'd go to eat, pray and love. Become a follower of the One Word Pundit and your name goes into the drawing, which will take place on Friday, August 27, 2010.

Good Luck!

* Open to Canadian and U.S. residents only.

Finding Truth in Fiction

2010-08-18T09:16:00.002-04:00

The truth can be stranger than fiction. Consider this cliche phrase for a moment. We read and write fiction based on the various truths of our lives or the lives of others. Fiction, that delivered through all manner of storytelling genres--film, writing, plays--offers us a peek through someone else's window, into another realm of possibility.

A writing colleague of mine recently attended a workshop that explored how fiction teaches us about important social cues. There is shared experience in narrative. It was said that children perform better at social tasks when they read fiction. If we think about the early reading we did on the knees of our parents, this makes sense because we've been exposed to all kinds of moral lessons and values through the fiction in children's picture books.

I've been told by people who only read non-fiction, that fiction is escapist entertainment. I beg to differ as many important life lessons can be potentially transmitted through various forms of storytelling. It's about the message, not the medium. There is truth in fiction, even strange fiction. It may not be our truth, but we can and and do learn from it.

What important life lessons or truths have you learned through fiction, as either a viewer, reader or writer?

Summer Reading Give-Away!

2010-08-14T08:41:00.016-04:00

Summer's in full swing, you've got your beach chair out, and you reach for a book from that pile you've been meaning to delve into all year. After trying to talk yourself out of it, you tell yourself, it's summer so you can just kick back with a wonderful book and chill. Ah, the feeling of cracking that book open and settling into a great summer read...What makes a good summer read? Is it something that pulls you into the story so you forget the hotness of the sun on your skin? Or is it a book about something you've always wanted to learn?

It's not too late! If you haven't yet treated yourself to a good book this summer, take the plunge! What are YOU reading this summer? Tell us here for a chance to win Elizabeth Gilbert's New York Times Bestseller Eat, Pray, Love. All you have to do is become a follower of my blog and post a comment about your summer reading (who, what, when and where?). I love browsing other people's book shelves for reads I might not normally consider. A good book is too good not to share.

You might be telling yourself that summer reading is way too decadent an activity. Imagine lounging about reading! I couldn't even imagine not doing so! You see, there's something soul-cleansing and healing about allowing yourself the space to read for a period of time. Whether you read while away on vacation or take a vacation while reading, that briefest of respites allows you to come back to your other tasks refreshed and possibly with a new perspective.

I will draw one name on August 21st. You'll still have time to receive this inspiring book AND read it by summer's end.

P.S. Open to US and Canadian residents only.

Wanting More for the Other

2010-08-12T10:53:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wanted more for someone than they want for themselves? As parents, teachers, writers and even friends we might find ourselves in this trap. We see someone struggling and we rush to their aid, hoping to have some influence over how they decide or take their next step.

Often, we think we know what's best for someone and we spend our energy trying to get them to follow our advice. Sometimes less is more and we just need to take a step back, trusting that the other person knows what to do and can (and will!) do it for themselves. I take this approach with my adult learners. I try to take it with my family and friends. It doesn't mean that I don't care, just that I care enough to let them figure our their lives. It's called loving detachment and I need to remind myself daily to practice this attitude. In doing so, I put the focus where it squarely belongs: on my own life!

What (or who) do you need to step back from today?

The Name Game

2010-08-02T08:40:00.003-04:00

I love naming things--pets, children, characters, you name it (grin)! It was a common complaint by my brother that as children, I was the one to name all the family pets. My son has noticed my hankering over the years for doing the same with our pets. Have you ever given thought to what's in a name? I am often amazed and intrigued by the way some people's names just fit either their profession or expertise or something about them. It took four days to name our son. We gave him a name that has a spiritual sound to it and quite interestingly, he has interesting spiritual views which I think belie his name. Consider what your name says about you.

When writing, what names do you give your characters or your stories? Do they just seem to fit? When I write, sometimes a character's name eludes me. Then all of a sudden, it comes of its own accord with no forcing. Even titling my writing, at times daunting, eventually just comes.

Here's a little game: become aware of names. Next time you're reading something written by an expert, pay attention to their name. Consider the not so coincidental coincidence of the conservation officer named James Phish, for example. Did his parents think he would end up patrolling lakes and hanging around fishing outposts to ensure legal fishing practices?

We like to name things and need to reassure ourselves that everything has a name and meaning. It helps us feel secure in our world. Do you like your own given name? What might your family name say about you?

How do you learn?

2010-07-15T13:50:00.002-04:00

Education is the process in which we discover that learning adds quality to our lives. Learning must be experienced.-William Glasser

You bring your new DVD player home. What is the first thing you do? Do you open it and then read the manual carefully? Do you set it up and just press buttons to see what it does and how it works? Or do you ask someone in the know to show you how to use it? These are learning styles and we all have one or many. If you are a visual learner, you learn by observing. If you are an auditory learner, you learn by listening. And if you are a hands-on learner, you learn by doing. We often have a bit of all three styles, although one is more predominant. I ask my better half to explain to me how to work the DVD player because he likes to read the manual. There is no one right way to learn. Learning is never linear...we wend and weave as we learn something new, drawing upon a host of styles, skills, experience and past learning to make the vital connections.

There's an exercise I do with my adult learners. It's called '50 Things I know how to do that I can teach others.' We make a list. Often it's difficult to think of 5 things for their list. Maybe it's the fact that the spotlight is shining on them. Perhaps it's because they take for granted, like we all do, what they, in fact, know. I suggest they start by listing simple things like tying their shoes, fixing something, making a dish, dancing a dance, or singing a song. Then we find a partner and teach each other one thing from that list. This is a great ice-breaker, warm-up activity, or party game.

According to Glasser,

“We Learn . . .
10% of what we read
20% of what we hear
30% of what we see
50% of what we see and hear
70% of what we discuss
80% of what we experience
95% of what we teach others.”

What new thing have you learned today that's worth remembering and how did you learn it? What have you taught someone else today?

Life is a Bowl of Cherries

2010-07-13T10:19:00.001-04:00

Life is a bowl of cherries and I am merely a pit. A few weeks ago we awoke to an abundance of red globular cherries dripping off the branches of the cherry tree in our backyard. What bounty! We talked about the symbolism of this tree of plenty, bleeding red like life itself. Birds perched in the top branches feasting while we coped with the yield of cherries on the lower branches. There was more than enough to share! We nestled a ladder against the sturdy trunk so we could go higher to pick this luscious fruit. We gave some to good neighbors and froze what we couldn't eat. It struck me that despite its small size, the cherry is so much bigger than I am, that here I am at its center, its lush red meat the great community and world around me. It made me consider the abundance in my life.

Today I am grateful for...

2010-07-04T19:08:00.001-04:00

Have you made your gratitude list yet today? It takes just a moment, somewhere between the family stuff and the household tasks. Go ahead, take out a fresh white piece of paper and write down everything for which you are grateful today. And a quick tip: rather than say "For my this or my that..." write about what you have given yourself. Perhaps you had the courage to stand up for yourself today. That is worthy of gratitude! Rejoice in the little things for these are what count the most.

Today I am grateful for...

A wonderful visit with my family, brought together from different parts of the area and from across Canada, for brunch.
My creativity--I wrote over 2000 words today!
The quiet time in sitting with my mother-in-law who has Alzheimer's and reading her my poetry. She's a delightful audience!
Current life challenges that are making me stronger.
Another sunny warm day spilling vitamin D onto my skin

When we take the time to appreciate what we have, we get more of it. Such is the law of the universe. What are you grateful for today?

The High School Reunion

2010-06-28T11:40:00.006-04:00

Why do we do it to ourselves? We get that e-mail or facebook message announcing our 30-year high school reunion and we type, “Yes, I''ll attend.” Have we not learned anything? We are willing to go back to where we once hailed from a place of not fitting in socially and where no one paid any attention to us. So why would they notice us now? Do we go back to see who’s fatter, balder, happier, most popular, or most likely to have succeeded?

The same people who didn’t talk to us back then, won’t be making their way over to say “Hello” now. If it’s anything like my 10^th the same cliques will prevail. So why would I go back? Is it to say: “Look at me now!” or “Look at her/him now!” ? I’ve grown so much (and not just poundage-wise!) since those years of uncertainty and come into my own. There’s no nostalgia for me in going back to a place I couldn’t wait to leave. Do we go back perhaps to change other people’s perceptions of us? I think we go back because we wish we were back.

Okay, so the countdown is on—2 months to go—to the gym, shed 10 or 20 pounds, get a life, in case I decide to attend my 30^th high school reunion. Who knows…maybe I’ll meet that cute guy I once had a horrible crush on and see that he’s balding, sporting a paunch and living in a cardboard box under a train bridge!

Learning as a Conversation

2010-06-27T17:24:00.005-04:00

When someone shares their life experience, their opinions, their ideas, what can we learn from this telling? It occurs to me from all my years of formal education and informal learning that learning is no more than a conversation between its participants. The teacher relating a situation, the student sharing a personal experience, the professor hosting an open discussion, two neighbors talking, the stranger at the bus stop striking up a conversation, the child telling of her day--all are sharing lived and meaningful experience, giving and taking in an exchange that is ultimately one of learning.

The idea of learning as a conversation interests me because how else do we learn except through the passing on of information that is read, heard or lived? We take this information, assimilating it to mean what we need and want it to mean. We mold it into our personal rhetoric, deriving its usefulness for our own lives. Interesting how we never know what we are thinking until we say it. This becomes our learning. I heard a guest lecturer at McGill University once say that this is what makes our learning because our thoughts are on the tips of our tongues and we just need the opportunity to express them.

As facilitators of adult learning, we experience this conversational learning regularly. Yet what can we do to keep the discussion flowing in our classes? How do we include everyone in the discourse? Just like in conversation, an open discussion requires, above all, an animator--one who knows the value of silence. Here are some elements to implement in our learning conversations to stimulate the discussion and keep it going so that each person is engaged, interested and benefits from the collective sharing:

Make good use of wait times. One the question or issue is out there, as educator, don't be too quick to jump in when no one responds immediately. Let the silence prod someone else into speaking.
Ask open-ended questions using the 5 W's and a H (who, what, when ...) to elicit critical thinking and discussion from your learners.
Use your active listening skills to validate your learners. This is so much better than the pat response: "That's a good answer Julie!" Instead, try: "If I understand what you are saying, Julie, is that...(then pause) Does anyone else have a different opinion?"
Refer back to what was said earlier in the discussion, making use of the learner's name: "Sam said x or y about the issue earlier and now I am hearing Julie say..."
Include all learners in the conversation by making eye contact with and smiling at even the silent ones.
Look for body language clues that someone wants to talk. If they keep getting cut off by a more vocal learner, interject with: "Maureen would like to add something to the discussion."
Let the learners speak to each other as opposed to going through you just because you are the teacher at the front of the class. Better yet, if you have the desks in a circle, this sharing happens more easily. As facilitator, you should always sit in the circle.
Because it is so difficult to tear ourselves away from a good conversation, summarize the main points of what was said before moving on. Then say something like: "This gives us lots to think about." Similar to the end of a good counseling session when you still have more to say, your learners will take this information away for thought and look forward to the next discussion.

I always tell my groups that each class participant is a teacher and I am fortunate to be among them, to the point that when someone asks a question, I say: "Let's see what our panel of experts think..." So, next time you are in the throes of an exciting class discussion, use it as a golden learning opportunity for your learners and yourself. Your learners will want to keep coming back!

* Article first printed in QAAL's Linking for Learning newsletter, Vol. 17, No. 1, Fall 1999.

Birth and Rebirth

2010-06-25T07:10:00.001-04:00

I love birth. And I love rebirth. Birth is our first chance and rebirth is our second chance. I was born once. And every day I wake up to my rebirth. It’s that simple. And what a lovely thought really, because you can’t take it back—birth, I mean. You can’t just throw down your shovel in the sand and say: “That’s it! I’m not playing anymore. I’m going home!” and then just leave. For where would you go? Oh sure, you can die, and go wherever you go after the maggots taste you, but where would you go really? I’d rather not think about it! No, I’m here, birthed because my mother loved me enough to go through the pain of childbirth and then because I loved me enough to go through the pain of each new day. Not that it’s all pain. Each day is a rebirth, a chance to do it over again differently. It’s a chance to be grateful for all that I have, to dream about all that I can have and generally bask in the idea that each day is a celebration of my own birth.

Cat Mewsings Part II

2010-06-24T16:44:00.004-04:00

When a 6^th cat showed up at our door back in November 2009, he came to steal the salmon we were curing on the back deck, readying it for smoking. We kept chasing him away as two of our own cats sat idly watching him with only mild curiosity in the midst of his crime. We’d open the door and stamped our feet, effectively chasing the smokey grey kitten away. Thus began our relationship with cat number 6! We’d open the door and he would run, each time, returning with a new and bolder resolve. By day’s end, the feline was sitting comfortably inside our home like he had always been there. Of course, we could not turn away a hungry seemingly homeless 4-month old kitten! So the cat went from stealing the salmon, to stealing our hearts!

“They put this bell on a collar around my neck. No wonder I chase my tail!”

“I hate it that they insist on holding me down to cut my nails,” said one of our cats to his confreres. “Well,” we told him as we tell all of them: “Bi-monthly pedicures are a condition of living in our home.”

During a conference at which he was a speaker, a colleague of mine commented that getting people to go back to their seats is much like herding cats…I use canned tuna to herd my 6 cats! I’ll bet a five-course sit-down dinner will do the same for humans at a conference.

I browsed Pamela Wallin’s book about cats at Chapters Bookstore, and one of her reflections really struck me: How can you feel stressed when you're petting a purring cat?

Isn't it interesting how you might have mice in your home and the cats only notice when you've caught them in a mouse trap.

We live in a society where people move and leave their cats behind, where people love cute cuddly kittens…until they grow up, where people get cats and but don’t get them neutered. Responsible cat ownership means taking responsibility for their reproduction. Not neutering your cat begets more cats!

* Image: Ginger Bear and Boo staring each other down over the prey in the bathroom cabinet drawer.

Would you Rather Die than Public Speak?

2010-06-20T16:54:00.002-04:00

At the Book Summit in Toronto last week, I was intrigued by the notion that writers do not necessarily make good presenters and readers. I take for granted that I am a writer who has been teaching for over 15 years and how this helps me in my writing.

My first college presentation of a psychology research project involving learning and touch was a nightmare! I conducted a study with kindergarten students. The not so easy part was reporting my findings in a 15-minute presentation. I was having an out of body experience, looking down on the blabbering idiot--me--standing before my peers!. I was hot, cold, sweaty, nervous and otherwise a wreck. What a relief it was to be sent back to my seat by a sympathetic professor!

If someone had told me back then that I would be standing before groups of students and then professionals of 50 or more today, I'd have told them they were delusional! Public speaking still ranks up there with the fear of death. And sometimes we'd rather just die than speak in public.

Before teaching, I found myself at Toastmasters, giving prepared speeches. I wasn't yet a teacher, but I had long known the value of being able to speak in public. Toastmasters was a wonderful way to get comfortable with public speaking. Then I took an acting course. This helped immensely with voice projection and body control.

My own classes and professional development training sessions are completely interactive. My students come in quaking with the fear of presenting, but by the end of the course, they don't want to stop talking in front of their peers. I believe this is the single most important activity we can do and practice to become confident in all areas of our lives.

It is important to understand the value of honing public speaking skills as writers. As a writer, you will have many opportunities to promote your work. These may include book launches and public readings. How will you survive these? It's one thing sitting in your comfort writing zone, but quite another facing your fans and public.

Think about your reading voice. Is it monotone? Do you make eye contact with your audience? If you are giving a talk, are you talking or reading? Do you engage with your audience? Anything you put between your audience and yourself will only distance you. Power point presentations are great, but avoid using them as crutches. Use slides to simply illustrate. They should not replace you. A stage with a podium and microphone are wonderful tools, but use your floorspace rather than hiding behind a podium. Get close to your audience by coming to the edge of the stage or by even sitting on it.

Always remember that people attend your event, presentation, reading or launch to see and hear YOU! Now, go practice by standing in front of your bathroom mirror and reading an excerpt from your latest book.

World Elder Abuse Day

2010-06-15T17:10:00.009-04:00

Seniors are a vulnerable group. And this fact could not be more true today as we raise awareness about the issue of the mistreatment of seniors in recognition of World Elder Abuse Day. This means being aware of the ways in which seniors, especially those who cannot advocate for themselves, are abused: emotionally, financially and physically.

According to the CSSS Cavendish (Montreal), an estimated 4-10% of seniors are victims of elder abuse. Elder abuse can take the form of physical and sexual mistreatment and violence, verbal abuse, financial exploitation, denial of basic human rights and neglect.

This issue is delicate because while a senior might be dependent upon someone for their care, if that same someone is abusing them, there might be a reticence to report it. Like any abuse, the abused may feel powerless to identify it, let alone take steps to deal with it for fear of reprisal and retribution from the person they depend upon. That is why elder abuse is called a hidden problem. According to the CSSS Cavendish (Montreal), this makes it harder for the professional to deal with because the abused may be protecting their abuser out of fear of: abandonment, placement, imprisonment of a relative, vengeance or reprisals and loss of services.

This is why seniors need to be able to reach out for help. There are help lines available for people who feel they may be victims of elder abuse, as well as victim assistance programs, which include:
In Quebec - Elder Abuse Information/Help Line (Listening, support and resource line): 1-888-489-2287 and CAVAC
In Ontario, available to the rest of Canada: Toll free helpline 1-800-387-5559
State Elder Abuse Hotlines in the US

And your local police and 9-1-1.

As we care-give and advocate for our seniors today, let's be mindful that their vulnerability might one day be our own. We need to protect seniors and their interests as we do ours and as we would like done for us.

How do I blog?

2010-06-13T19:54:00.006-04:00

How do I blog? Let me count the ways...

In my pajamas

At 2 in the morning

Never the same

Never boring

Always with pictures and paragraphs

Sometimes try to make people laugh

With insight and inspiration

And even frustration

About incidents

And accidents

Coincidence

And happenstance

I love to blog

Many ways

How do you blog (or write)?

Get a Mentor, Be a Mentor!

2010-06-08T17:51:00.001-04:00

Mentoring...ah, yes, that wonderful relationship whereby someone gives you feedback about your work and it helps you to grow. Have you ever had someone special to call upon in a personal or professional context? That would be your mentor. Mentors are special because they are available. And while they provide feedback, they are not critical or judgmental. We might have a writing mentor who reads and edits our work, helping us to see the forest through the trees. Or we may be the mentor, doing this for someone else.

I've had teaching mentors and now have writing mentors. The mentoring relationship is special because it is built on trust. Although we look to the mentor for their experience and expertise, the mentoring relationship is not about one-upmanship. We've all been there, a novice at something and searching for a guiding light to become more adept, more skilled, and ultimately more polished. And the mentoring relationship also has the potential to develop into two-way mentoring as the protegee becomes accomplished, for we all have different skills to share.

It reminds me of the power of many versus the one. And this message was clearly delivered at the YES Montreal Conference yesterday entitled: Business Skills for Creative Souls. All people who attain a level of success, had help getting there. Indeed there will always be the naysayers or those who rain on your parade, thinking that you won't really make it as an artist (or in whatever profession you choose). But you need to seek and find other like-minded people who have made it and associate with them.

In Milton Olsen's story Lessons from Geese, we understand how geese who fly in formation and work together reach their destination. So must we humans fly together. In my teaching I came across the acronym for TEAM as Together Everyone Achieves More! Now how cool is that? Do you have a mentor? Do you mentor others? How do you see the mentoring relationship?

CANSCAIP’s Imagine a Story Conference, Montreal, May 29, 2010

2010-05-31T19:24:00.003-04:00

Imagine a great first conference aimed at writing for children and young adults! The Yes Oui CANSCAIP Imagine a Story Conference, held at Dawson College in Montreal this past Saturday, was a wonderful first! The day was well organized and wasn’t over-programmed. There were two morning workshops with long breaks and a good lunch period that provided ample networking opportunities. In the afternoon workshop was followed by authors’ book signing through Babar Books.

I attended a wonderful morning session with author, Shelley Tanaka, titled “Through a Child’s Eyes; A Master Class in Writing for Children.” Shelley spent a packed 90 minutes sharing her journey, chock full of tips and how-to’s for writing children’s books. I came away from her session informed, inspired and with the message to “Just write!”

My second morning workshop was “My First Comic Strip: A Workshop” with Author-Illustrator-Cartoonist, Michel Grant, in which he shared the key steps in creating cartoon illustrations with writing. As a writer, this workshop helped me to see the important connection between illustration and text. An experiential workshop, we tried our hand at putting words with drawings on a reusable template that Michel provided. I just loved having the opportunity to immediately apply newly learned skills. I felt like a child again, creating a comic strip featuring an elephant character!

Lunch time arrived quickly and I was so thrilled to have lunch with my first university English teacher and dear friend, YA Author, Monique Polak (What World is Left, Orca Book Publishers, 2008) and her friend Mary, a school librarian and a champion of good writing! It was a real treat hearing about Monique’s writing success and her life over the years since we’d last been in touch!

I tore myself away from this reverie to attend my final workshop, “The Ultimate Blind Date: How Writers and Illustrators Meet to Create Picture Books,” with a panel of accomplished children’s authors and illustrators: Bonnie Farmer, Jennifer Lloyd, Suana Verelst, Brenda Watson and effectively moderated by author, Day’s Lee. This honest, enlightening panel discussion demystified the myriad of questions around publishing and illustrating children’s books, including their overriding message which was to not give up if you want to publish your children’s book.

My day was just wonderful. My only constructive comment (as I put on my adult educator hat here!) would be for CANSCAIP to provide an evaluation form to gather the great feedback it deserves for putting on such a marvelous first conference. Thank you, CANSCAIP—I look forward to your next Montreal conference!

HAITI--A Tribute and a Thank You!

2010-05-28T09:51:00.002-04:00

Look at this picture...what do you see? You likely see a gorgeous sunset over an ocean viewed from a sandy beach. But do you also see an island where its capital was decimated by an earthquake, one that claimed over 200,000 thousand lives, left countless people maimed and rendered over a million people homeless and fighting for survival? This is Haiti. My friend Angel took this picture. Angel is a Canadian police officer currently on a peacekeeping mission, his second, in this ravaged land.

In my early 20's I traveled to Haiti. I remember well the bus ride from the country capital of Port au Prince, the warmth of the Haitian people, bartering on the beach using a mixture of French and Haiti's native Creole for their folkloric arts and crafts, and I certainly remember the stunning sunsets.

When I recently saw this picture on Angel's FaceBook page, I felt inspired to share it here. This is a picture of hope. It reminds me just how fragile we humans are against the forces of nature so much more powerful than us. This beautiful sunset also reminds me how wonderful each and every day we wake up alive really is. This picture is a tribute to the courage of so many people in a land most of us may never see, except for on the evening news. It could be any beach, but this is a beach in a destroyed land where people still have hope and where other people, like my friend Angel, are working to help them rebuild that hope. Thank you to all the "angels" out there helping Haiti rebuild. Bon courage, Haiti!

Don't love it, need it or use it? Just toss it!

2010-05-26T07:26:00.000-04:00

The miniature lighthouse, a holiday souvenir, sits on a shelf gathering dust. A juicer is abandoned beneath the sink after only 6 months of use. Past birthday and Christmas cards overflow from a credenza drawer that won't close. And of course, there's the myriad of shoes, replaced by newer styles, but never discarded, taking up space in the hallway closet. After all they might be good for...gardening, painting, you name it! Come to think of it, those worn out stilettos make great gardening shoes, and of course, the higher the shoe the better for reaching above door frames with a paintbrush!

Yes, we hold onto things, telling ourselves it's "Just in case I need it one day." According to Marla Cilley, the inimitable Flylady and Queen of Decluttering, those items we keep--that we do not love, need or use--only take up valuable real estate. At the current cost of square footage, have we ever given thought to what this amounts to over time? Not to mention, the emotional cost!

Clutter has the potential to stifle our creativity and our productivity. When we surround ourselves with clutter, our life risks being cluttered and thus so does our mind. Clutter never subtracts; it only multiplies as clutter begets more clutter. Have you ever told yourself that you'll get around to that (writing, painting, etc.) project or hobby, once you clear things out of a certain space or room? Somehow the clearing out never happens and instead, you may find yourself feeling guilt and resentment. As Flylady aptly says, "You can't organize clutter; you have to get rid of it to find yourself."

These quick tips, based on the Flylady approach, will help get you started attacking the clutter bug:

Approach clutter 15 minutes at a time. Your room or space didn't get that way over night. Rather than declutter an entire room and feel overwhelmed doing so, instead, tackle one drawer or one shelf. You'll be amazed at the results, which will motivate you to clear more spaces.

Get 3 boxes: one for items to give away, one to recycle and one for trash. Then, according to Flylady, just fling! Be ruthless as you ask yourself: "Do I love it? Do I need it? Do I use it?" Take pictures of special items such as your child's art/school projects--these take up very little space on a hard drive.

Make sure you put those boxes or bags OUT. It's still clutter if you bag or box it and then store it!

When you bring a new item home, get rid of the old one--search and replace! Immediately.

Maintenance is key! Don't let clutter build. If you wait until "spring cleaning" time, you'll be overwhelmed. Get into the habit of getting rid of clutter regularly.

Whatever your creative pursuits, wouldn't that creativity flow better unencumbered by clutter? There are many parallels here that can be applied to good writing; look for it in a future post. To learn more about decluttering your home, your life and your mind, visit www.flylady.net. Now, to echo the Flylady, go fling that clutter!

What's Really Important to You?

2010-05-24T19:55:00.002-04:00

"All that is really important to you is here with you right now." were the wise words of our new-found friend, Gordon, as we sat at the picnic table in front of our trailer one sunny July afternoon while camping at a New York State campground some years back. We were discussing the costs and merits of tent trailers as our children played together. Gordon and his family went back to Ohio, but his words still echoed in my mind as I pondered a summer quickly drawing to a close.

It had been a rigorous winter for our family that year, culminating in my June convocation. Thesis finished, degree conferred, it was time to get back to the things that mattered most--family life. As if to prove it, our little family procured a tent trailer which had us out of town most long weekends and for several weeks at a stretch. Family time without the distractions of technology: phones, computers, television, modern conveniences--except a pop-up tent with a refrigerator and a propane heater, became a luxurious priority.

And what a great time of learning it all was! Meeting new people (Cordon and his wife, Patricia) and discussing new ideas, enriched our lives while helping us to gain fresh perspectives, weaving a social tapestry with new acquaintances. It made me think of adult education. Nature had her own lessons (Never sit on a crowded beach when seagulls are flying overhead!). We learned to fill our days with simple survival chores (cooking over an open fire, washing dishes in a basin) that brought me back to a time when I was merely a fleeting thought in my grandmother's consciousness.

Camping is a physical experience and it was indeed hard work. It was a great contrast to the frenzied lives we live at home. As the Adirondak mountain air and sunshine worked its magic on our souls, so slipped away the layers of a hurried suburban existence.

The next phase, like a chapter in a spell-binding book, is always around the corner. A summer of camping must come to a close, people part, places become memories and activities change. We change. Our souls grow. Summer melts into Fall, a return to the routines of a season spawning new beginnings. We reluctantly put the trailer away, our souls away…wait! Can we squeeze in one more long weekend, to perhaps see the autumn colors? Anyway, no matter what, I needed simply remember that all that is really important to me is here with me right now…wherever that may be.

* Note, the camping season is now upon us once again...hopefully this little article will inspire you to be present to yourself and to those around you wherever YOU may be this summer. Happy Trails! :-))

A Writer's Bucket List

2010-05-21T05:44:00.001-04:00

One hundred things to do in this lifetime...and so goes my Bucket List: explore some remote corners of the world, swim with dolphins, snorkel in a cenote, ride a donkey into the rain forest, soak in a seaside mud volcano, trek up an active volcano. In Rob Reiner's 2007 film, The Bucket List, starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, this bucket list refers to these men realizing a wish list of goals before they "kick the bucket" or die.When working with a group of students on goal-setting, I have them do this list. I usually suggest they write 50 things, which sounds ambitious where most people often can barely think of 10. However, once you actually sit down to the business of writing out your Bucket List, it just flows.

This got me thinking about a writer's Bucket List. It might include some of the following...

Write a best-seller
Get a web site
Create a blog
Go write in a remote or exotic place
Do a book tour
Turn my best-seller into a film

Whatever that list, we soon realize the many steps--large and small-- involved in achieving our writing goals and any goal for that matter. This means setting goals that are, in a word, SMART: specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely. I like this acronym; it keeps me focused on the outcomes while allowing me to enjoy the process. It also lets me know that there is a time for everything and everything in its time.

But I would add another letter to the end, and that is another T for "Tell somebody." When we commit to our goals to another person, this makes them come alive with possibility. It puts that goal out there beyond the print on a page. We can then talk about it. People will ask: "How's that book(/project) coming along?" And we have the opportunity to share, talk about it and maybe come away with new insights that will inform our writing/our goals. It also helps us to network. You never know who knows someone whose been where you're heading and they may be able to refer you for mentoring (or in the case of writing, maybe even to an agent or publisher or film producer!). You just might find yourself applying check marks to many of your bucket list items.

In the meantime that bucket just might come in handy: use it by your desk as a reminder to achieve your goals or use it as a way to recycle the crumpled paper--the many revisions of that manuscript you're currently working on!

Have you ever thought about your Bucket List? What would you put on it?

Dear Diary: Revisiting My Adolescent Writing

2010-05-18T02:55:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary:

Today I opened the banker's box that lay tucked in a dark corner under the stairs, the one with a layer of dust covering its surface, masking the permanent marker printed "Kelly's Personal Writings." Yesterday, we revamped our storage situation and at the tail end of this onerous task, I courageously pulled out this Pandora's Box, hauling it over to the floor beside my desk. This morning, eager yet intrepid, I began reading some of its contents: journals, diaries, books of poetry and short stories I had written as a teen. I spent various parts of the day revisiting this writing of my youth...and wondering how I might revive it.

My diaries and journals tell me secrets I'd almost forgotten. The collection of poetry and short stories speaks of grown-up themes voiced by an innocent child. It was a wild ride revisiting this writing and learning about myself all over again through adult eyes and perceptions. Here I am in a sense, living a second adolescence through my current writing. Back then it was serious stuff; the stuff of adolescent turmoil and uncertainty drove my writing. In contrast, today, it is the voice of confidence and life experience that defines my writing.

Those were humble beginnings. But they are less humble than the ones I face now as I put my voice out there through my plays, poetry and personal essays. Isn't it interesting how life experience makes you more humble as a writer? Now, Dear Diary, I am looking forward to reworking some of my earlier writings--wish me luck! :-))

All authors have a back story to their writing journey. How did your writing career begin? Can you trace it back to early journalling or story-telling? How has your early writing shaped your voice? Have you ever revisited pieces you wrote as a child or adolescent, and if so, how have they changed?

What Makes a Great Blog?

2010-05-16T03:23:00.001-04:00

I don't know about you, but I'm still huffing and puffing from that Blog Jog last week! And I've learned a few things about blogging from that marathon. The myriad of layouts and creativity out there in Blog Land is awesome! So what makes a great blog anyway?

A theme - Does your blog have a purpose? What is it? Is it clear? It's a good idea to have a focus in order to attract a community. This will keep your readers coming back for more.

Clean layout - Busy blogs are one thing, but cluttered blogs just distract. While we're not all layout experts, manage your white space (the spacing between chunks of text) so that your reader can transition from one interesting area of your blog to another.

Creating interest. There are many ways to make your posts attractive. Grab your reader's attention with the pronoun "you" once in awhile. Use pictures in your posts to give your reader's eyes a rest from text and to help your reader make visual links with your topic.

Using correct grammar, syntax and spelling - While stating the obvious, sometimes the obvious is not so obvious! Have you checked these carefully before pressing "Publish"? If you're a writer, people are expecting you to dress like one! Even if you're not a writer, by virtue of the fact that you're writing a blog, your writing must be correct and correctly spelled.

Posting consistently! Someone was just telling me how their expectations have been created by a blogger they're following, so that when the posts dry up it can be off-putting! We all have times when life or writing gets in the way of blogging. Perhaps revise your posting schedule. Your followers will appreciate it if you strive for consistency rather than quantity.

Applying the KISS Principle: Keep it Short and Sweet, Sweetheart! This is where I need to follow my own advice (LOL!). Long posts risk not being read. Consider writing a Part II. We often say in adult learning: "Leave them wanting more!"

There you have it! In keeping with the KISS Principle, this is my short list of essentials for creating great blogs. Do you have any others to add? Please share your Comment below and add to the collective wisdom of great blogging.

Learning from our Characters

2010-05-11T20:27:00.000-04:00

The characters in my plays and stories sometimes say things I would only think of! It often surprises me. At times I try to silence their voices, thinking someone will object. But they only get louder, almost shouting their release. Funny how writing does that, produces unique voices that belong to unique characters. We almost never know from where they hail.

Creative writing can be a healing activity. It reaches down deep into the soul and pulls up feelings that we give voice to. These manifest in our characters, sometimes unsavory, darkly demonic or just plain rude and crass. I love that my characters can simply flow without my censorship. When the mother or superego in me presides and prevails, my characters are mere shadows of themselves. They aren't genuine. They don't come from a place of true struggle which I think is every writer's conundrum. It's that line between writing from the heart to release one's soul and writing without a soul.

Let your characters lead and you may find they'll lead you into unchartered territory. It may be full of learning. It may enlighten and inform. But above all, it may be the greatest truth you've ever uncovered.

Do you censor your characters? Do you feel compelled to write nice or do you write from a place of truth?

Happy Blog Jog Day!

2010-05-09T00:16:00.002-04:00

Thank you for visiting my Blog! Please explore my Blog then jog on over to another great blog: http://smokeecig.blogspot.com/. Test your stamina and visit another Blog in the jog; go to http://blogjogday.blogspot.com. Let's visit cyberspace one blog at a time!

Editor's Block

2010-05-08T14:17:00.002-04:00

A picture is worth a thousand words. How appropriate this line is to me as I work to cut my childrens' picture book down to the prescribed 500-600 words. I know that along with the words, there will eventually be illustrations to tell the the story. A sage writing professor I had at McGill University once said that writing is recursive, words etched in my mind, often recalled and revisited like my own manuscripts. She impressed upon us how we need to take a break from our manuscript then revisit it with fresh eyes. Interesting how when we return to a written piece, editing happens seamlessly. It makes me think about the analogy to learning: learning is messy. So is writing. It doesn't happen linearly--we will veer off the path and come back to it. We learn as we blunder through the challenges of writing and editing to that final product.

Just as there is writer's block, I have learned that there is editor's block. We may be too close and perhaps hold too tightly to our manuscript to let go for the ultimate transformation from unpolished to polished. It struck me this morning while editing my manuscript for the gazillionth time that this exercise is a necessary one, and that I had to start out with over 1000 words to appreciate the writing-editing process and learn from it. So I leave it for a while. I take that walk or visit with a friend or do something with my family. Then I return with fresh eyes.

It's during these times that I appreciate the support of a wonderful writer's group--like-minded women who will take my manuscript to a place I may not be ready to go. Time to press "SEND" and post my work to our online group where I know the collectivity and objectivity will help me get my book to the next level. Looking through their eyes, I will then be able to step back into my manuscript and add the final touches for a finished product.

How is your writing-editing process? Do you find yourself laboring over a piece only to put it away then return, editing it with a vengeance that drives it to the next level? Do you get editor's block? Do you have mentors and support systems for feedback? Do you find writing linear or just plain messy? Is it worth it in the end?

In my suitcase, I pack...

2010-05-06T16:50:00.001-04:00

The tickets are reserved! Yay! Our flight to Mexico was booked and we were leaving in just 3 short weeks! I remember packing, then repacking, adding, then subtracting, then multiplying and finally dividing! Careful review of Internet travel sites yielded lists of essentials, tips for efficient, economical packing, along with cautions against over-packing. I asked myself, "What do I really need as I travel to remote areas?" I was hauling a battered canvas backpack, emblazoned with a Canadian flag, attesting to other such adventures so that by now I should know better than to over-pack. Thus begins the adventure of traveling light. Now you're thinking this article is a timely piece about what to take on that end of winter vacation. This is only the pretext. Instead, let's talk about traveling light on our journey through life. You have only one bag to take on this journey, be it Gucci or department store special. It must not weigh more than X and be larger than Y. You must pack for a variety of contingencies, yet leave room for the souvenirs you will acquire along the way.

What will you take on your life's journey? And whose baggage is it that you're hauling? It's my journey, my bag, so I will take only my baggage. As I would not pack my relative's underwear in my suitcase, I will not carry his chemical dependencies. Nor would I pack my obnoxious co-worker's toothbrush, so why would I pack her unkind words and gossipy attitude? I will carefully choose the words I receive and share, measuring their worth and usefulness on my life journey (Note: your toothbrush is a definite must!) Who, in our lives, pulls us down, and yet we drag them along, allowing them too much space in our lives and in our baggage?

You will meet many people who are happy and willing to share their opinions. Take some of their advice and leave the rest. When we travel, we travel off the beaten track This requires an open mind and lots of planning. A Lonely Planet guidebook is a wonderful tool that helps us choose our destination and our best route. Besides a good guidebook, we use our intuition and inspiration. Our own motivation, willpower and feet will do the rest. Any time we journey through life, we are traveling off the beaten track. There is much to discover by living vicariously through your own life (Note: Find helpful guides and mentors to be your carry-on. Be fueled by your own energy and good sense!).

Water found in oceans represents a vast expanse, an openness to the unknown and is symbolic of life and opportunity. We revere it and fear it at the same time. We know that rip tides, sharp jagged coral and large carnivorous beast lurk, so we exercise judgment and caution as we do on our life's journey. There are many hidden dangers and many unknowns along the way (Note: Pack a bathing suit and be aware, but take the plunge and enjoy!).

As you journey through life you will collect souvenirs. These include: good friends, valuable skills, meaningful experiences, knowledge, passion and memories. Do you have room in your bags for these? What can you discard to make space? What are you packing in your bag for your life's journey? All you really need is a change of underwear, a toothbrush, a bathing suit and your guidebook. May your journey through life be exciting and laden only with rich experiences and beautiful memories. And may you collect as many good souvenirs as you've made room for! Happy Travels!

Note: Inspired by my good friend, Eleanor Cowan, this article was first published in QAAL's Linking for Learning Newsletter, Spring 2002.

E-mail Ease or Language Dis-Ease

2010-05-03T18:28:00.002-04:00

What is it about communicating in electronic form that makes people forget all the conventions of written language? I'm a great fan of e-mail as a wonderful way to stay in touch that might otherwise not happen. But I have some serious doubts about the way in which people use--or rather misuse this medium of communication. Two questions arise around the lack of form in sending e-mail messages: 1. Is the lack of written protocol a disguise for what is simply and inability to use form in writing? 2. Does this lack of protocol stem from one's use of this medium as a time-saver and thus, we dispense with the formalities of writing? I suspect that this lack of protocol lies in both.

Have you ever received an e-mail written in abbreviated words: "i am doing fine thanx. How r u? It was good 2 c u the other day. Let's get 2gether again soon." I find this difficult to read and very distracting. Perhaps the writer is saving time--their own time. Having to read and reread this message results in lost time.

How about lack of a subject line or just "Hello." This can be interpreted by your receiver as spam and not even opened. Be specific in your subject heading. Moreover, by dispensing with form in terms of a proper salutation such as "Dear" or "Hello", and a proper close and omitting to write your name at the end of the e-mail you are sending a powerful message to your reader. Although traditional letter writing uses a formality that appears stuffy and perhaps intimidating, the modern-day e-mail message sometimes lies at the other end of the spectrum.

Good manners in an e-mail message, do for you, the writer, what Mom said "please" and "thank you" do for how people perceive you--as polite! It also makes your message stand out as clean and courteous, reflecting its sender, much the same way a good resume make you stand out. Keep in mind that image still counts for something in electronic communication.

So how do you navigate form in electronic communication? If you are the former type of writer who has difficulty with writing and spelling, take advantage of the built-in spelling check feature of most e-mail software. Remember that the more you write, the better your writing will become. Don't let challenges scare you from sending off e-mail. However, if you are normally articulate in your writing, then why change into e-mail clothes? Keep doing what has traditionally worked for you in writing letters, papers and even in publishing.

Simple Rules to E-mail by:

Capitalize at the beginning of sentences, especially the personal pronoun "I" and the first letter in your own name.
Double-check for sentence fragments or incomplete sentences and run-on sentences that could be connected by the word "and."
Remember to say "Hello" and Good-bye" and write your name at the end of your message.
Before hitting "send," use the spelling check feature in your e-mail software. And proofread whether or not you have this function.

By following these simple actions, you will already be ahead in your writing. And you will achieve better results with your e-mails, definitely casting a professional image of yourself as a writer. Above all, keep writing. The more you write, the more polished your writing will be. What did you say your e-mail address was again?

La nobless oblige: the cocktail party

2010-04-29T20:17:00.013-04:00

Wine-glass in my right hand and precariously balancing a plate of hors d’oeuvres in my left, business cards in my breast pocket, I make my way through the room chatting. There is that person standing over by the window—how do I break the ice? What meaningful words might I say to unlock the doors to communication? Inside I feel shy, unsure, but circulate I must!

The cocktail party: the bane of professional co-existence! We dread these and yet we anticipate them as an evening out, a chance to network, a way to hobnob in circles that are professionally meaningful, but they still daunt us. Why is that?

While I consider myself socially skilled, and like the best of them, I can don a suit and articulate my thoughts, the contact feels rather forced and fleeting. There is that sense that I’m in a contrived situation, not unlike siting through that first dinner at the new boyfriend’s parent’s house. Only you may never see the parents again, while these cocktail party contacts may be your professional future.

There is something innately unnerving about balancing dishes, while trying not to talk with your mouth full (as taught by well-meaning parents who obviously had in mind that you would be attending many cocktail parties in years to come!). And lest we forget, how does one chew, swallow, and satisfy the appetite while doing all this, not to mention perform the business card trick?

I'm no Emily Post, and Martha Stewart--last I heard--was negotiating with Walmart, rather than renewing with Zellers (what Cocktail party was that?), so here are tips that make sense to me. Call them Guidelines for Cocktail Party Survival, in true adult learning style:

1. Dig out those dusty business cards. Forget the fancy carrying case whose little gold clasp jams just as your pickles go sliding off the plate in your left hand. Wear something something with pockets, so you can carefully withdraw your card with a sleight of hand not unlike a party magician executing a card trick. Make sure your scatchings are done ahead of time—bringing a pen into the glass-plate-business card equation is a little ambitious at this point. So if your e-mail address has changed, ensure that it's already noted. By the way, if you’re a man, you have the added bonus of not toting a purse (in most cases anyway!), which means that both your shoulders will be relaxed. If you’re a purse-toting woman, expect to do a further balancing act as you wear a purse slung on one of your shoulders and hopefully not the shoulder of the hand in which you have the wine-glass as we may have experienced that slip that sloshes the wine—looks like we can't hold our liquor, let alone all our belongings: plate, glass, business cards, and now purse! Maybe leave the purse at home or tucked away safely in the car.

2. Eat before you leave home. While this may seem unfair, think about the sheer enjoyment of sitting down to a quiet meal versus picking at finger foods while balancing that wine-glass in your right hand! And you might eat less, a definite sell for those individuals not wanting to overindulge!

3. Pay attention! You can only shake hands with so many people at a time, and this while holding that wine glass. First of all, make sure your plate is big enough to hold your wine-glass in such circumstances! This doubling up is really freeing. You’ll be speaking with one person, while out of the corner of your baby blues, you spot another person you’d like to talk with, and at the same time, your peripheral vision shows someone to your left, looking like they wish to chat with you (And then you drop your napkin! Oh, I forgot to tell you: this is another item you might be holding—it could be tucked under the plate in your left hand.). How do you make the transition? Well, you can begin by introducing the person in your peripheral vision to the person with whom you are speaking. Eventually they’ll get to talking then you can carefully excuse yourself to go see the person you spotted.

4. But listen, and this must be genuine. Cocktail parties can yield a wealth of information that can be meaningfully obtained during a short interchange. Think back to those active listening skills you always wanted to try but could not use with family because they are onto you. With all the chatter and clatter, there is much distraction. Focus because you have a short period in which to make a long-lasting impression.

5. Be gracious. Most socially adept individuals know how to work a room, saying just the right thing. You can't go wrong speaking about the evening itself, any presentations that were made, the décor, the food, or the theme of the evening. Be careful though because many of these cocktail conversations can be overheard (Remember that person in your peripheral vision?).

6. Ever wonder what it would sound like to have a hundred alarm clocks going off at once? Well, with the growing cellphone technology, you need no longer wonder! Your cellphone can be clipped to your waistband or discretely hidden in your purse (maybe that's why it keeps slipping off your shoulder!). How useful is this little item at your cocktail party (“Oh, one moment, I need to call my Uncle Bert—he knows how to repair chicken coops!”)? Unless you are on-call, just shut it off. If you really need to keep in touch, clip the phone to your waistband and set it on vibrate so that you feel the ring rather than have the room hear it. Then if you must, discretely answer the call upon making the appropriate apology and moving to a quiet corner.

The cocktail party is a necessary obligation. As my colleague Anna-Maria tells me: “La noblesse oblige!” It’s a healthy way to network, increase your visibility and learn about what's going on in the world outside yourself. So, lighten up and have fun. It will be over before you know it and you’ll be looking forward to the next cocktail party! Now where did I put that business card the Director of Services gave me the other evening as I sloshed wine onto the pickle sliding off my plate?

Of Gratefulness and Gratitude

2010-04-25T10:57:00.006-04:00

Have you started your list yet? Not your To Do List, your Gratitude List! In Simple Abundance, Sarah Ban Breathnatch talks about being grateful for the abundance in our lives and she promotes the idea of keeping an abundance journal. This has spawned gratitude journals of many colors by many authors. But you can do this yourself. Start a Gratitude List. It's simple and it's free. For the cost of an empty book from the stationery aisle of your local dollar store, you'll have enough blank pages to fill for many months to come.

Personalize your Gratitude Journal or Book. Make it a running list. Start with the heading "Today I am grateful for..." and then write down those things in your life for which you are grateful. At first, you might find yourself writing about the material items you have, something nice a friend gave you or a thoughtful gesture your partner did for you. Also try to list those little gifts of observation: the butterfly you noticed alighting over a spring flower, or a colorful rainbow you just happened to see while driving. Also remember to note the small gifts you give yourself: taking time to listen to a friend with a personal dilemma, or standing up to someone who was rude to you, or even taking a hot bath. All these little acts represent the abundance in your life that you will attract more of when you take the time to notice and note them.

Abundance thinking can be conscious. I have a mantra, which I learned from creative visualization expert, Shakti Gawain, that I recite to myself when I'm driving. It goes like this: "All that is good is now coming to me easily and effortlessly." And you can replace the words "All that is good" with "Financial abundance" or "My perfect relationships" or ________ (fill in the blank). The book, The Key, elaborates another mantra which is all-encompassing: "I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy." These phrases, recited when we quiet our minds to the negative self-talk that often speaks loudly, have the power to help us increase the abundance in our lives.

Abundance is a curious occurrence. Abundance is an attitude. This may be why the word "attitude" appears in "gratitude." The more you look for and see the abundance around you, the more of it you will attract. And best of all, you will not only come to see the abundance in your life but you will live a life of plenty! Thank you for reading my post. I am grateful for your visit to my blog!

Care-giving and Advocacy

2010-04-17T16:25:00.000-04:00

This needs to be said and more importantly remembered! Who will advocate for you if you cannot? Strange question, isn't it? When we think about having our affairs in order, we consider the importance of having a last will and testament, but what about having a living will? Who do you trust to be your spokesperson in the event that you cannot speak for yourself? Most of us don't even want to venture there, let alone even think about it!

For the past 6 years, I've assumed the role of care-giver to my in-laws. This meant driving some of the key decisions impacting their living situations and more. The importance of advocacy struck me recently when dealing with my mother-in-law's hospitalization for chronic lack of appetite due to advancing Alzheimer's complicated by some underlying health issues. Although she was being closely monitored by a nurse at her residence and then by her doctor, I was the one who told the hospital nurse to feed my mother-in-law pureed food, something it seemed that health care professionals dealing in geriatric issues would automatically explore. I stood at the nurse's station while they entered my request for pureed meals into the computer and it dawned on me that our health care system is just too taxed for any continuity in follow-up. How did I know to do this? Well, for one, I've been informing myself about Alzheimer's Disease and its various stages, what to expect and what to watch for. Secondly, I know my mother-in-law--and well. But most importantly, I would absolutely want someone to do the same act of love and kindness for me if I were unable to advocate for myself.

The twist here is that we never know when that time will be. And while we're young and vital, we dare not even think about it. Please think about it--for yourself and for your loved ones. My previous post, Empowering the Sandwich Generation, touched on this critical subject. You can go online to find a living will template through your government and other social service agencies. We take our wellness for granted. And chances are that we will be well for a very long time. But if circumstances should dictate otherwise, wouldn't you want to be prepared, so that those around you respect your most important wishes and advocate for you in a system that is just too stretched for time and resources?

Changing Needs, Changing Hats: Defining and Redefining the Self

2010-04-10T18:07:00.000-04:00

The topic of how we define ourselves came up over lunch with a dear friend this week. More than just the different hats we wear, defining ourselves is about how we feel wearing these hats and ultimately what we want that hat to convey to the world around us and the payback we may get from that. It also relates to where we draw our energy and how we spend our energies. Like money, energy flows through and around us. How we define ourselves contributes to that energy flow.

We wear various hats: daughter, mother, friend, lover, partner, employee, business owner, writer, consultant, (profession)...the list goes on. What does that hat say about me? This got me thinking about Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. According to Maslow, we have five basic needs that must be met in a certain order for us to thrive. For example, if I am hungry, I am not thinking about a sense of connection with anything but food!

We are constantly renegotiating our basic needs. And we continuously redefine ourselves in terms of these different needs. Today I may feel the need for more money to properly care for myself, so my job takes precedence. I may thus define myself in terms of how much money I make. This ties in with the first two levels: physiological needs and safety and security needs. My need to feel good about myself and fulfill my self esteem needs based on recognition might have me define myself in terms of what I do as a job or profession.

Let's focus here on our love and belonging or social needs. This one is HUGE. We all have a need to belong--to a couple, a family, a group. And this is where how we define ourselves has the power to put us in a situation of actually giving our power away--for the sake of that belonging! Our society is wired these days. We tell ourselves that cellphones, computers and other devices that purportedly facilitate communication, bring us closer. In fact, these electronics can distance us rather than bring us together if we are not mindful. So we look to belong to something greater than ourselves. We have this need to affiliate with others and be part of something bigger than ourselves. Is where we seek to belong truly representative of who we are, and what we wish to say and have others know about us?

Maslow's final need for self-actualization is what allows us the creativity and insight to express ourselves and our potential as in the way in which we constantly redefine our SELF. Certainly it is our prerogative to redefine ourselves. We redefine ourselves every day, whether we consciously do so or not. Very often it's a messy process. That's how we move forward and evolve in our lives.

What Maslow's Hierarchy need most defines you at this moment? What do you stand for? Does it give you energy or drain your energy? Is that hat you wear truly representative of what you want to say to the world around you?

The Art of Self-Promotion

2010-04-08T09:08:00.000-04:00

Blogging has become serious business. Anyone who has anything to say is blogging away these days. We live in a world that is paralleled by Face Book, Twitter, Linked In and Digg, to name a few. And that doesn't even touch the myriad of web sites and chat rooms that see more traffic than the Autobahn on a summer's day! We have become a socially connected society...and all through the click of a mouse. How easy it has become to network! What did we ever do before these social networking sites? (Maybe we got out of the house more and met at our local hangouts!)

At a recent writer's symposium about the changing landscape of publishing in Canada, the presenters strongly encouraged everyone of us aspiring and accomplished writers to get ourselves a web presence. I sat there in awe, thinking about the dusty old web site of my graduate school days ten years ago and wondered about resurrecting it. The task of getting lost in creating a web site/blog seemed ominous and daunting. Where do I start? Do you have to be a techno Geek to have a web site? And a blog--what would I even have to say? (Interestingly, I am never short of words!) I recalled my initial reluctance around having a Face Book account and was still scratching my head about how to use it.

At the same time, I was noticing other people's blogs and how they seem to have a focus--a purpose. It struck me that the bottom line is promoting yourself and what you do! Okay, so what do I do and how do I promote that? We all do something. Perhaps it's a hobby you are passionate about or sports, or an activity, work-related or not. And the more esoteric the better! One guy collects airsickness bags as his hobby and to date, he's hosted a whopping 250 some-odd-thousand visitors to his site! Another collects toothpastes from around the world. Of course, your traditional stamp and coin collectors would still draw a following.

It really is about passion and having something passionate to say! Know that there are other people who share your interest and trawl the Net looking for information. It's so easy to get a blog that your biggest challenge will not be the technical part, but rather what words to put to your idea. And there exist many free web page design sites to make your home page creation as easy as point, click and drag.

So what are you waiting for? Get creative and put your voice out there on the Internet!

Butterflies and Laundry: Quick, I've Got an Idea!

2010-04-06T12:30:00.001-04:00

An idea for a play, a poem, an article, or even a blog entry finds its way to me almost insidiously. I feel ambushed by the need to get my idea on paper. Perhaps I'm falling asleep at night or awaken in the middle of the night or am simply doing a task or activity, and then it hits--the need to write my idea down somewhere and quickly!

Yesterday two ideas came to me prior to falling asleep for a nap as I am fighting a cold these days. I told myself not to reach for my pen, that I would remember these ideas when I awoke a few hours later. Guess what? I only remembered one of the ideas and I spent the rest of the day wracking my brain trying to figure out what the other idea was! Lesson learned. Always write your ideas down when they strike!

A close friend of mine, who is currently writing her memoirs, tells me that she carries a small hand-held device into which she recites her ideas no matter where she is. She even uses it to remind herself that a load of laundry is ready!

And just where do these ideas come from anyway? Friends tell me that they must watch what they say or they may be reading about themselves somewhere. Certainly conversations are wonderful fodder for inspiration. Commercials have the same impact. I find myself watching television commercials in a way I've never done. It's the dialogue, especially since I love to write the dialogue that forms plays. Commercials are great because so much is said in so little time.

Be open to all sources of inspiration. If you like to write, all you need is an idea. The rest will follow. Always ensure that you write or record it quickly, because inspiration is like a butterfly--fleeting. You want to capture it and record it's beauty, then like any good writing release it back into the universe for others to enjoy.

Now I must go bring in that load of laundry I hung yesterday!

Empowering the Sandwich Generation

2010-04-04T10:51:00.000-04:00

“I’m really not sure I should go.” mused Alessandra, contemplating a much-needed long weekend away with her husband and preschool children. “They might call to say they've found Mom a long-term placement.” Her Alzheimer’s mother was awaiting a bed in a long-term care facility close to Alessandra’s home and it could be any day now. She felt that she needed to be there to help her mother make the transition from her current interim placement, especially since her brother was working abroad.

Sitting across the café table from Alessandra, her friend Shelley retorted: “It's better than what’s happening with my Aunt and Uncle right now. I’m running back and forth between Montreal and Toronto because they're in two different nursing homes and some kind of crisis always seems to come up! I’m running ragged holding down a part-time job and getting the twins ready for college in the Fall.”

“Sounds like you two are pretty sandwiched!” observed Tamara “That’s a case for staying single! But even I am feeling the stress of being a caregiver as well as doing all my course work.” Tamara was single and back in school, with her newly widowed mother living with her.

Does this sound familiar to you? These adults are part of a growing phenomenon: The Sandwich Generation, caught between the diverse needs of their own lives and those of their elderly parent or relative. Typically in middle adulthood, Sandwichers find themselves caring for an elderly relative while juggling career, children, family needs, studies, and more. They are suddenly thrust into the situation of making life-altering decisions with and for their elderly parent or relative. They aren't used to this new role of taking care of their parents’ financial, physical, emotional, and social needs. And their time is often compromised as they manage full lives of their own!

In the early 2000's this issue was so prevalent and compelling that I proposed and won funding through the Quebec Association for Adult Learning (QAAL) for a project to deliver a series of workshops on this topic to remote communities around the province of Quebec. I learned that many families suffer this phenomenon which prevails just as much today in the late 2000's as it did then. And my motivation for revisiting this important topic is that we are reliving this sandwich experience with my mother-in-law, now in the later stage of Alzheimer's Disease.

Here are some important thoughts to consider if you are finding yourself sandwiched and facing the role of caregiver for a family member or friend:

1. Be aware of the normal developmental stages of the aging process and associated limitations and diseases.

2. Initiate important conversations with your elderly relative and family members about "What if...?" This is very difficult to do and involves much tact, diplomacy and effective listening skills.

3. Learn how to get into the driver's seat with your elderly relative and actually begin actively planning for the "What if...?" This is the hardest part and may involve issues related to power of attorney, living will or mandate of incapacity, not to mention the actual notarized will. Do this early on as there is nothing more frustrating than having your hands tied because the paperwork is not in order.

4. Become and advocate and mentor for your elderly parent or relative. You may often find yourself making decisions and dealing with health professionals on behalf of the person for whom you are caring. And while you may not like it, someone needs to advocate and mentor during this important life transition.

5. Link with local support services. Don't wait for health professionals to tell you what you need. Tell them. Make the system work for you. It is indeed a case where the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Speak to social workers and reach out to those provincial associations, such as the Alzheimer Society, for valuable information to help you navigate these uncertain waters.

6. And perhaps most important of all, manage care-giving by learning to say "No" and apply some of that care-giving TLC to yourself. You cannot adequately care for another person when your own reserves are depleted. Take time for you, be it to exercise, see a film or have coffee with someone in YOUR own support system.

Empower yourself as you give care!

To learn more about this important topic or to host a workshop for the care-givers in your community, contact me.

Successful Video Conferencing

2010-04-01T10:19:00.000-04:00

Video conferencing is a relatively new technology that allows people to connect via screen and using a technology bridge from remote locations. What makes for successful video conferencing with small and large groups?

1. Location, location, location! Your room layout is key. If hosting a meeting with an open seating arrangement, allow for maximum visibility of the screen by the in-room participants. Place the camera and speakers where they can be easily accessed by the technician and so the camera can pan the room when someone speaks. Nothing should obstruct the speaker, such as a water jug or laptop screen. These should be placed off to the side.

2. Be inclusive. Pay close attention to turn-taking. Make your remote sites feel welcome by including their voice in any question period. At the same time, it is important to check in regularly with your remote sites to ensure they are still connected to the conference.

3. When sites do comment, ask them to identify themselves by name and region, especially if you have more than one remote site participating.

4. When doing smaller breakaway groups, ensure that everyone around the table introduces themselves at the start and include your remote participants in this round of introductions.

5. If the speaker is giving a power point presentation, work it out in advance with the technician to have the speaker appear on one half of the screen while the presentation appears on the other. This is what the remote sites will see. No one wants to just stare at a power point presentation with a disembodied voice explaining the slides. Find that balance to make the power point presentation large enough for the in-person participants to see.

6. Silence is golden. It is important that remote sites know how to mute their sound so that any noises do not interfere with the presentation. Instruct remote participants to unmute their microphones when they wish to speak.

In my experience, it is much easier to coordinate a video conference with small groups and that involve only one or two remote sites. Keep in mind that video conferencing technology is still relatively new and not perfect. Your first few attempts are learning exercises. Practice will make your video conferences run smoothly.